At this point, as you know, I find myself in a position in life that’s pretty challenging. Wherever I turn, it seems, I am encountering instability, uncertainty, rejection, loss, and heartache. Love and appreciation, two terms I used in my last entry, are not universal elements that have been flowing my way. Chinese culture uses the term “qi” to denote “life force” or “spiritual energy.” My qi is in decline, I suspect. One small example: I’ve talked about the East Wind here as “spirit-sapping.” Then, on a more profound level, I’ve found myself showing up to a spiritually-bankrupt environment everyday for months now that, I know, has affected me to my core. To turn the corner on my spiritual (as well as my mental, physical & emotional) health, I know deep down that I need to make significant changes. I’m hoping that I can make this happen soon.

I’ve started to visit an acupuncturist. I haven’t done this for a few years, but I’ve begun again in a conscious attempt to alter the decline of my qi. As part of the treatment, my current practitioner uses moxibustion, “a traditional Chinese-medicine technique that involves the burning of mugwort (a small, spongy herb) to facilitate healing.” This practice has been used for thousands of years and, as with most forms of traditional Chinese medicine, is supposed to “strengthen the blood, stimulate the flow of qi, and maintain general health.” The symptoms of peripheral neuropathy I’ve been exhibiting for months motivated me to pursue this course; the physical-therapy techniques I tried, dead-ended. I’m hopeful that I can get back on track, health-wise, this way.

I spent the night of the science fair sleeplessly. The energy expenditure of the day was considerable, though I guess my adrenaline concentration stemming from the experience was too high to be ignored. Fatigue has turned into utter fatigue as insomnia continues. I’m guessing that this condition only serves to enhance my typical, transitory, post-event post-partum depressive tendencies.

I know that I’m exhausted and overly-emotional. And, as happens to me in this kind of space, I tend to socially withdraw a bit and reflect on my existence. What am I doing here? Is this really my life? What can I change? How can I change?

I was touched by a couple of folks who gave me huge compliments today on my leadership ability. Their comments were exceptionally kind and generous, I thought.

Am I that generous with others? Oh, I would like to think so; but I’m not always so sure. Extending sincere appreciation to those around you, I believe, is a mark not only of exemplary leadership, but of generosity and simple humanity. In whatever form it takes, saying out loud words like “I appreciate you” is a powerful thing. The message can be as significant and affirming as “I love you.”

Can we live without being loved and appreciated? Yes, I guess so, but it makes the difficulty level of life much more significant.

I frequently think of the May 2002 episode of “ER” that marked the passing of character Dr. Mark Green. (Yes, Jim, again with a TV show!?) Why this comes to mind for me at this particular moment, I’m not sure, except that is has to do with the concept of “generosity.”

In this episode, Mark is near death and he makes the decision to spend his final days in Hawaii. With him are daughter Rachel, wife Elizabeth, and their baby daughter Ella.

The most moving moment, and the one that has kept flashing into my psyche over the years, is his final piece of advice: “Be generous Rachel,” he says, “with yourself, with your life, with your love. Just be generous.”

I would love to be known as a man of integrity – and generosity. For now: I’m working on it.

Soundtrack Suggestion

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

(“The Circle Game” – Joni Mitchell)

In the midst of everything else going on for me right now, I finally have finished reading Linda Carroll’s biography: Her Mother’s Daughter. As I have written about before, I’ve known Linda for over 25 years and identify her as one of the most influential people in my life – indeed, I consider her one of my family on this planet during this lifetime. (I’ve absolutely no idea if she has any thoughts along these lines, though.) She’s served as my counselor, confidante, friend, mentor and spiritual guide – helping me through some very difficult spots. I am incredibly fortunate to have met her and to have had her in my life for (at this point) nearly half my time on earth. Frankly, any attempt to think about this lifetime without Linda in it hardly seems like my life at all.

I first mentioned Linda in these pages after reading Borrowed Finery by Paula Fox. Fox is the famous author of novels and childrens’ books who, early in her life, gave Linda up for adoption. Linda finally tracked her mother down after the birth of granddaughter Frances Bean Cobain. Although quite elderly now, Paula is still alive and she and Linda continue to maintain a relationship begun, belatedly, in the mid-1990s.

In the time I’ve known Linda a lot has happened to her, both personally and in terms of her public notoriety. She is, after all, not only Paula Fox’s daughter, but Courtney Love’s mother. The stormy relationship between Linda and Courtney has been reported in the popular press, up until this time, exclusively through Courtney’s eyes. A number of unflattering and outrageous things have been said about Linda that are totally inconsistent with the good-hearted person that I know and love. Not that I ever really knew much of Linda’s story before reading the book, though; I have only had glimpses into small parts of her life. As my counselor, Linda has been focused on listening to the rhythms of my story, not the other way around. Most of what I know about Linda the person has come through my experience with her in various workshops over the years. The most recent group experience I had with her was about 7 years ago now, in a PAIRS (couples) course led by her and husband Tim.

Now that I’ve finished reading Her Mother’s Daughter, I’ve searched out some of the literary reviews and am discovering that they appear, well, mixed . Some praise Linda’s narrative style and general ability to draw the reader into the drama that has been her life. Others take a more critical stance, sometimes judging her life itself, apparently overwhelmed by the chaotic nature of Linda’s existence. For myself, I was amazed at the detail Linda was able to relate to me, the reader, describing experiences from an age when I would have no memories to draw on at all. Further, I was totally engaged with her writing style, finding it smooth and conversational, mirroring the “real person” that I know her to be.

Of course, upon reading the biography, I tend to agree that Linda’s life has been chaos. And in terms of order of magnitude of lifetime chaotic experiences, her biography rivals her mother’s. As much turmoil as I believe I’ve personally experienced, I admit that my story has had less overall drama than either Paula’s or Linda’s. Linda is on her fourth marriage; she gave birth to six children, one who died as an infant; an adopted child subsequently discovered another home for which he was a better fit; she escaped San Francisco by moving to Oregon, then moved to New Zealand and back to Oregon; her oldest child is Courtney, likely one of the most “out there” celebrities since Madonna’s younger days; and (not covered in the book) she once found herself the therapist for Katherine Ann Power, an activist from the 60s who spent most of her adult life underground.

Zounds: what a life.

I’ve lived my life parallel to a good portion of Linda’s drama, and I have sought out her big heart, attentive ear, and perceptive nature time and time again. She has never said she was not available to me. Whenever I’ve shown up, she’s always been totally present. Truthfully, I only had hints here and there that she was living the life she describes in this book. Even though her own existence has surely been an emotional roller-coaster, she has always been able to focus on me and my story and provide help when I sought her out. Simply, Linda is a human being of the highest caliber. The meaning of the chaos of her life, for me, I now understand, is that she’s always been able to assist me with my own frequently-chaotic existence.

A psychic I once consulted, who relayed to me some of my past-life experiences, reported that Linda and I had been twins at least two times in previous lifetimes. It is, at the very least, an entertaining thought. I know I feel very, very connected to her. My relationship with Linda is one of the most cherished things in my life. I glad she wrote her story so that I can know it: so that I can know her better than I do.

Thank you for being in my life, Linda.

Here is a partial transcript produced from a psychic reading held on January 19, 1998, in Eugene, OR. This is the portion of the session speaking to my past-life experiences with Linda Carroll. [As I suggested in the companion post, this is likely best read for its entertainment value!]

…is because you (and Linda) have been twins. In another time. You were twins one time where you died in utero and she did not. You were both male twins at that time. And so that set up a yearning in other times for the union of that soul again with that soul. And then you were twins, fraternal twins, boy-girl twins and you both lived and you both really worked well together. It was almost like you were mirrors of each other. One was right-handed and one was left-handed. And so the two of you held a balance that was very, very precious and that’s why I’m seeing a deepening in this is the two of you do hold a balance that is very, very precious and the two of you hold a lot of love for one another. You have been also very, very passionate lovers. But not ever living together. What I’m seeing is a time when it’s like the court marriage versus the court love. I’m seeing both of you married … to other people. Other people in the way of uniting families, uniting riches, stopping wars, that sort of thing. But, you and she were also lovers. So that this spark, this passion, kept on and on and on and on, because it was in some ways forbidden? It wasn’t really forbidden, it was tolerated. But if there was any occasion that you had to be seen publicly, you were seen with your wife. And, your nights and your special times were spent with the person who is now known as Linda. Were spent loving and talking and just experiencing each other. You and your wife were both discreet so that there was no big hullabaloo that went along with her relationship with someone else and your relationship with someone else. But the passion and the richness and the desire and everything lasted for a very, very, very, very, very long time. In fact until your deaths. You came together at about the age 16 and you died of old age at that time about 42. That was very old then. And, there was just this spark. And the two of you in some ways have recreated that in this lifetime. And, this ... you both seek each other out more for who you are than anything in the external world… although it’s more a deep friendship. It’s kind of like the fire in the furnace of the basement of a building now. Heating the whole building, kind of coloring your entire life in a way. Because of the presence of this person…

The 2006 Mt. Hood Science Expo (MHSE, our own regional science fair) is now history (well, except for the residual paperwork and escorting the winners to Indianapolis in May). Although the number of actual entries that showed up turned out to be rather modest (around 60), from the feedback I’ve received so far, the event was a rousing success. As with any large get-together of human beings, there were periodic crises that arose throughout the day; all were quickly and efficiently resolved by one or another of us, though.

My army of helpers was both large in number and hugely talented. An inner circle of us wore “Board of Directors” on our name tags…we were the primary planners and implementers. Then, we had professional-level judges who took off from their real jobs and gave us an entire day’s worth of time to talk with student participants and to assess their projects. Further, we recruited a very impressive showing of other volunteers, who did everything from covering the gym floor with a protective mat, to setting-up, tearing-down and carrying the tables. This kind of undertaking takes, at various points, significant amounts intellectual, emotional and physical energy. My jobs were mostly intellectual and emotional, leading me to a point of utter fatigue at the end of the day yesterday. Luckily, I had volunteers who carried on even after the awards ceremony to attend to the cleanup tasks. Some even showed up at the gym at 6:30 a.m. this morning to complete the job!

We had quite the range of projects. At the top end, we had students who just flat out “knew their stuff,” had done real science, and presented it in a way that the judges could understand and fairly evaluate. It was obvious that these kids were bright, articulate, and headed on their way to someplace significant in life. Wow, what a bunch! Of course, we had some projects on the other end of the spectrum as well. As the day wore on, and it became increasingly obvious that they were not really competitive, I realized I was feeling a little sorry for them. However, during my orientation speech to everybody at the beginning of the day, I had indicated that their science-fair experience was likely to be an intellectually-stimulating and growth-producing one whatever the outcome of their projects. I’m betting that if they didn’t understand me in the morning, some may have caught on to my meaning by the end of the day.

Even though a small core of us were dealing with a research-ethics dilemma as late as 5:00 p.m. — one that decided the last category winner — we still began the awards ceremony only a couple minutes late, a little after 6:00 p.m. That part of the program went quickly and smoothly as well (sigh…if only our Master of Ceremonies was a tad more familiar with some of the names!), so we were actually done ahead of the anticipated schedule.

I am hugely, immensely, beyond-belief indebted to several core people that were my MHSE team. This list includes, but is not limited to: Heather Ohana, Rachelle Ham, Valory Thatcher, Melissa Gonzales McNeal, Doug McCarty, Jack Brook, Jack Fassel, Tom Worcester, Stephanie Jones, and Jill Parisher. Original Board of Directors Member Michael Russell, who found the need to take leave of his responsibilities midway through our planning activities because of family issues, was with us in spirit yesterday, I'm sure. His father died during this last week, and the memorial service was scheduled at the same time as our awards ceremony last night. Michael, our hearts were with you, even though our bodies were not.

Near the end of the day, right before the awards ceremony began, Jill relayed a little story to me that almost brought me to tears. She indicated that she’d been talking the day over with one of the judges who very frequently works these regional fairs, and who had done several in the last few years. Her report to me was that judge said that this was the best-run regional fair he had ever experienced. The flow to our day was well planned-out, and it appeared that the organizers had basically thought of everything to make this a positive experience for everyone.

We tried. And I think we pulled it off. We done good, gang!