Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’
Into the future (Steve Miller, 1976)
In the introduction to his book Wherever You Go, There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn observes (and then asks), “whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you’re thinking right now, that’s what’s on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it? In other words, ‘Now what?’”
These questions have been much on my mind lately, as I find myself not having escaped, the least little bit, the chaotic, unstable nature of my existence. In 2004, after a job loss, I moved 120 miles to the north and spent two years in yet another organization rife with turbulence. Then, this year, I moved 180 miles south and find myself in an even bigger predicament. What the heck is going on? I have wondered if it’s more than just the fiscally-challenged and politically-unpredictable environment of Oregon higher education; maybe it’s me?
In any event, here I am. One life challenge after another continues to appear, and I have to, everyday, figure out, “now what?”
I have written earlier about how to cope with life in an addictive organization. And I’ve suggested that the Four-Fold Way (namely, Be Present, Pay Attention, Tell the Truth, and Be Open to Outcome) provides a good set of guidelines to follow in managing the emotional minefield of a truly unhealthy workplace. As I continue to attempt to apply these principles to my day-to-day existence, I find life to be (still!) a never-ending challenge.
I continue to be present for, and pay attention to, the people who seek me out and want to talk about their struggles. I speak my own truth, privately and publicly. And, though mindful of the risk, I do my absolute best to maintain my integrity. I guess the most difficult Way of the four-fold, is that of surrender. I am thinking that since I have not let go of outcome (that is, I have not really surrendered to the forces of the universe), I continue to struggle mightily. My body is a mass of stress symptoms, tight as a knot because I am unable to let go. My mind can say, “surrender, Jim,” but, undeniably, there is some large and finite part of me that doesn’t know how.
If I could let go, I could relax. If I could relax, I could ease these symptoms. If I could ease these symptoms, I could let go. Round and round I go, where I stop, I still don’t know…