Teller and Katrina first met in late 1997. The relationship they subsequently established could most accurately be described as “on-again, off-again.” It was a chaotic experience that occasionally drove Teller right to the edge of his ability to cope. However, despite everything, he believed himself to be totally invested in, and committed to, the relationship; Katrina was almost always ambivalent about it.

Still, the unpredictable nature of the union did not stop Teller from loving Katrina completely. And, along with Katrina, came the matter of her three kids. In 1997, Tamson, the oldest, was 20 years old and was no longer living at home; Beccalynn, the girl, had just turned 17; and Bryan, the “baby” of the family, was 13. The younger two were living part-time with Katrina and part-time with their father.

That Katrina loved her offspring utterly and completely was undeniable. And, though, at the time Teller met her, Katrina was still struggling with her ex-husband’s sexual-orientation announcement (the turning point that had doomed their marriage), and Beccalynn was exhibiting a number of typical, adolescent, acting-out behaviors, it was evident that all of them were still a family that cared deeply about one another.

If all the world’s a stage, then, it was on this set, within this particular family-in-transition, that Teller found himself a player.

And so it came to pass, Teller ended up not only being in love with Katrina, but also with Tamson, Beccalynn and Bryan. It was a package deal, or so it seemed. It wasn’t ever a matter of Katrina saying, “love me, love my family,” however. No such suggestion or demand was ever made or needed. To Teller, these people, all of them, were, simply, lovable. Teller couldn’t help himself. The sense of family and community he found with Katrina and the kids was unparalleled in his life. He had never experienced such inclusion and warmth, and once he was a part of it, he could not imagine his life, ever again, without this feeling.

Teller had told Katrina early on that he believed the best chance for success, for his insertion into this cast of characters, was to establish direct (i.e., not mediated by Katrina) relationships with each of the kids. He had “studied” step-parenting dynamics while in a previous relationship, and understood that this approach was likely to yield the most healthy result. And so that is what he did: little-by-little, he inched emotionally closer to each of them individually and, additionally, allowed tons of space for them to move in his direction.

For whatever it was that Teller did “right,” and for whatever other cosmic forces aligned to make it possible, Teller did, indeed, establish successful, loving relationships with each of the kids. In his heart, he adopted all three of them. There was nothing legal about the adoption, of course…it was an off-the-record, in-Teller’s-heart-and-mind, secret emotional adoption. Teller ultimately referred to Tamson, Beccalynn and Bryan, privately, as “the kids he never had.”

He embraced their presence in his life, totally and without reservation. And there never seemed to be any Katrina-like ambivalence on the part of the kids about their individual relationships with Teller. So, when it finally became evident to Teller that there was no future in his relationship with Katrina, he vowed to stay as available to each of the kids as they might desire.

And, the kids have wanted Teller to be around. He has been invited to, and attended, all three of their weddings, the most recent one (Bryan’s) in November (2010). And Beccalynn, just last week, sent Teller a note informing him of her involvement in a photography class…and how much she was learning.

Still, it was with utter amazement that Teller opened up his email two days ago and found this wholly-unexpected message from Katrina (who is now re-married and a step-parent to a young girl named Charlie…):

hi teller-

in these weeks of living-in step-mothering (since we moved into our house in december, charlie is now in my life half time, just as she always has been with her father), i’m understanding more and more the complexity of step-parenting, and what it takes to fulfill this role. charlie is a real dearheart and i enjoy her very much. nonetheless, my life has changed and it’s not always easy! i’ve been reflecting upon how thankful I am that you were so interested in my kids and appreciating with now-more-aware eyes some of the complexity you may have experienced in all of it. i’ve always appreciated this about you, but want to call it forward again and recognize again how you put your heart into them and into that role despite all of the challenges. i have not forgotten, nor will i.  thank you, jacobadam. 

warmly-
katrina

Upon reading these words, Teller’s eyes opened wide, then moistened, with the tears finally streaming down. His heart was both heavy with loss, open with love.

Oh, how he misses Tamson, Beccalynn and Bryan. And, of course, Katrina.

For two days he read this note again and again. And the tears welled up every time, even as he, finally, dragged the message into the folder labeled “family.”