“…not so much a protest as a memorial.”

These are the words of a University of Oregon (UO) student I spoke to earlier this week as I walked among the 112,000 white flags and 3,000 red flags conscientiously and strategically placed to cover much of the main portion of the UO campus. Each of the white flags represent 6 Iraqi soldiers and civilians who have died since the U.S. involvement began four years ago, and each of the red flags represent one fallen American soldier.

The display lasts only this one week. I urge you to see it in person, before Sunday, if at all possible.

Here’s how the Daily Emerald reported the story on Monday. And here’s an online slideshow, from the Emerald, if you’re interested in some of their photos.

As I’m sure you know if you’ve at all kept up with my journey here, chronic pain issues have recently influenced me in terms of renewing a spiritual practice. Readings in Buddhist literature, as well as meditation, have been integral to my ability to cope with this current life situation.

Naturally, along the way (since May 2005 and the onset of the first troubling symptoms), I’ve also consulted with MDs, chiropractors, a naturopathic physician, an acupuncturist, a neurofeedback therapist, and a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine. Several massage therapists have helped me out as well. Additionally, I’ve sought advice from several friends and acquaintances and done tons of reading; and I’ve conducted many hours of research here on the internet.

All of this activity has taken place, of course, because as the last year-and-a-half unfolded, my chronic (primarily muscular) pain symptoms became more and more problematic. At the end of 2006 my condition had deteriorated to a really unacceptable level, and by the first week of this month, I was ordered to take some time away from work.

Since then, I have had an intense two weeks and had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with several more health professionals, some “traditional” and many others “alternative.”

At this point (and really, on this journey, it can only be considered “a point”), I believe it just may be that my alternative health providers have led me in the direction that will turn out to be the most beneficial. Right now I appear to be making significant progress with enhanced levels of a magnesium supplement in my diet. A very interesting article I found online just today, explains the importance of magnesium to our bodies, and the symptoms that result when humans find themselves in a magnesium-deficient state. It’s all very, very familiar sounding…could this possibly be “the answer?”

Whether or not this is the ultimate solution or not, of course, remains to be seen. I’m patiently waiting to see how the next couple of weeks or so develop in terms of symptom relief. At any rate, now having become reacquainted with the serenity that can accompany a spiritual practice, I am experiencing more hope about the future.

Not too long ago, when I was describing my current life, work, and health situation to a friend, she surmised that my predicament was one that “most certainly called for a spiritual practice.”

I totally agree. And, I have focused renewed energy into that portion of my life lately, especially as I’ve had the time in recent days.

One thing helping me, likely more than anything else, is my meditation practice…which I have taken up again on a daily basis in the last couple of weeks. Now, given that I don’t belong to a meditation group here, and I tend to struggle with such a practice alone, I have fallen back on an old ally and friend in this endeavor, Jon Kabat-Zinn, who I first “met” with the publication of his (1990) book Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. I owned the original set of tapes produced to accompany that publication, and just this year, re-purchased those same mindfulness meditation recordings on CD. My particular favorite is the first CD in the set, the guided body-scan meditation, which, when I actually stay awake and do what he (the voice of Kabat-Zinn) directs me to do, provides a healthy, self-focused 45-minute meditation experience, from which I (typically) emerge very renewed and relaxed. (Nope, I earn nothing from this endorsement!)

One of the most impactful parts of this experience is to be reminded, at the beginning of the session every day, that acceptance of self in the moment is most desirable…since, for better or worse, this is our experience right now. There is nothing we can do to control or change our experience, our feelings, or our being in the moment. So, why not focus on the moment and accept ourselves as we are?

I need to be reminded, and like to be reminded of this: every day, or even several times a day. Currently, I tend to try and work on this concept during many of my waking moments, saying, “ah, this is how I’m feeling right now. This is the pain I’m having right now. This is my joy right now. This is what I need to be doing for myself right now.”

Very. Powerful. Stuff.

Here’s a short little video (definitely not for the faint-at-heart!) I found on YouTube which illustrates, I suppose, my rather perverse sense of humor — and reflects, to some extent, my current life situation. In recent days and weeks I’ve mentioned to some that an element of my chronic pain condition consists of getting up in the morning “feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

Well…some have it worse than me!

Here we are: a mid-winter Saturday. And, baby, it’s cold outside. I went out to do a couple of errands earlier today, but I believe I’ll just stay huddled here inside until it’s a tad more hospitable in the great out-of-doors. Two days ago it snowed enough to close down all the area schools, and there’s still some of the white stuff left on the ground as we speak (write? read?). It’s below freezing right now and, cold-averse weenie that I am, I need to keep cozy underneath my electric comforter for a while longer.

So, I sit. Thinking. But mostly trying not to think. Being with myself. Accepting my life. Breathing in and out. With the in-breath, opening my heart. With the out-breath, clearing my mind. Focusing on the breath. Trying to just be: in the here and now.

I seek comfort in the wisdom that is available in the universe. So I sit. And also read. There is so much to learn about this existence.

…everything we see, hear, feel, and think is [in] constant flux and change. Nothing endures. We long for permanence and as a result we suffer, for we find none. Buddhism Plain and Simple (p. 46)