I read both fiction and nonfiction. I love to escape into stories, made-up or real-life. I’m particularly a fan of the memoir (which really should come as no surprise given that a lot of these “musings” are intensely autobiographical in nature). So, here I am to report that I’ve just finished reading a particularly compelling one (memoir, that is).

I became acquainted with author Alice Sebold when I read her first novel The Lovely Bones. Although the book, a bestseller, was published in 2002, I probably picked it up around 2005 or so. Bones is the tale of a 14-year-old girl who has been raped and murdered – and who narrates the entire story from her vantage point beyond the grave: in heaven.

I remember thinking: this is an interesting approach.

For whatever reason, I found this novel to be totally intriguing: though certainly in a dark way. The book was anything but a “quick-read” for me.

On a trip to our local Borders store, just recently, I discovered that Sebold had written another book prior to Bones. In 1999, she published a memoir entitled Lucky (as in “lucky to be alive”). This work is a first-person account of her rape: a tragic event that happened on the last day of her freshman year at Syracuse University. The story includes a chronicle of her eventual identification (a few months later) of the rapist; the subsequent trial and conviction; and the progress of her life in the aftermath. The narrative also provides such details as: the status of her relationships with family and other men; her issues with heroin addiction; the gradual awakening to, and acceptance of, her post-traumatic stress syndrome; and the practically unbelievable development when one of her college roommates is raped, on Alice’s own bed, a couple of years later.

So, you’re probably asking: why is this is a story I’d be interested in? What could possibly make this book worth my time?

Good questions.

Just let me say that Sebold is an excellent story-teller. Although this is a very difficult topic to discuss, she pulls it off with incredible sensitivity and skill. And even though it’s autobiography, which goes into excruciatingly-gory detail, especially with the rape scene at the beginning of the book, it rather reads like a novel. I was completely drawn into her narrative. Wondering what will happen next…how will she find her way through this devastation…how can she put herself back together?

Naturally, Sebold’s life has had many twists and turns because of this crime. That she found the strength to look in the mirror, step back, and try to explain, to us, what she sees – well, this speaks to me of a person of incredible courage.

I am truly inspired by her ability to communicate through the written word, and her willingness to expose herself to the world in this way.

For me: as I write, I aspire to similar courageousness. I believe that it is through stories about the human condition that we learn more about ourselves. And that the lessons these stories offer, help us to live with our pain.

I have written here before about the circumstances surrounding my departure from the Oregon University System (OUS) Chancellor’s Office (CO) in 2004. Leaving was entirely involuntary on my part– as it was for everyone who worked in the Office of Academic Affairs. Starting July 2004, that particular unit of the CO ceased to exist.

(Can you imagine a university without an “academic” division?!)

To a person, those of us who were ousted, in what may be termed a “political coup,” have harbored residual feelings about the treatment we received. But I believe that we all still have an overriding, sincere concern for the fate and future of Oregon higher education.

Since that time, there has been little attempt on behalf of the CO to put back together – on any kind of permanent, coherent basis – some of the critical functions that were lost in the “reorganization.”

Well, until recently.

Early last February, an announcement appeared on the OUS website for Assistant Vice Chancellor for Student Success Initiatives. The new position, as described, entails many elements of my previous job, and I was pleased to see the recognition that these activities are important and need tending-to on an ongoing basis. (It only took four years!)

Now, I have not been actively seeking other work, given that I have been hired into a permanent position here in California…and in light of the fact that I have made major life moves and job changes three times in the last four years. But, because I feel that I left the CO with “unfinished business” with regard to my inter-sector work in Oregon, and because I continue to care deeply about the health and welfare of higher education in the state, I submitted an application. The deadline was February 27.

I was ultimately called in late April to set up a time for a phone interview on May 15. And, when the time came, I thought I did well. The screening committee was comprised of four individuals, three of whom I used to work with; one of them I considered a friend. It sure seemed to be a friendly-enough group (as much as you can tell over the phone). And, I don’t see how any other candidate could have had an interview that even mildly resembled mine, given that I had first-hand experience performing many of those exact duties and producing policy documents on the very issues we talked about.

But, then I waited. For almost three weeks. Finally, finally, I received a rejection letter by mail a couple of days ago, impersonally notifying me that they had hired a candidate who more closely matched their needs at this time.

I can only guess what the story is; of course, I’ll never really know. I might only surmise that while I was talking about my unfinished business in Oregon, they were thinking, about me: “been there, done that.”

Sigh. I seem to be oh-so-good at setting myself up for rejection.

And I did it yet again.

Silly, wide-eyed, trusting, me.

Soundtrack Suggestion

If you change your mind, I’m the first in line
Honey I’m still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you’ve got no place to go, if you’re feeling down
If you’re all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I’m still free
Take a chance on me…

(“Take A Chance On Me” – Abba)

Ten days ago, I opened up my mailbox and found what looked like “real mail.” It was a rather-fat #10 envelope, neatly addressed with human handwriting (printing, actually) and a first-class stamp. My full name and address were there, but, curiously, there was no return address. It was postmarked May 19: Santa Ana, California.

I excitedly opened it up, thinking that, perhaps, some friend had taken the time to write me a letter – even though I didn’t think I knew anyone in Santa Ana. (But: who gets real mail these days!? What a treat!)

Well, such was not the case.

What I found was a folded-up four-page newsprint “article” (a newspaper insert, one corner identified it as the Weekly Journal, labeled “advertisement” at the top center of the page) describing a commercial herbal mixture called “Cho-Wa.” At the top of the first page, there was more handwriting, saying simply:

James,
Check it out!
J

Or at least I think it was signed “J.” I’m not totally sure. (Maybe it was a “T?”)

So, I’m thinking: what’s going on here? And, who calls me James?

I was curious enough to read the entire article, though, which purported to document the profound health benefits of an ancient Japanese herbal mixture designed to enhance “ki,” or “life force.” (Also known as “vital energy” or “spiritual energy.” The Chinese word is “qi” – pronounced “chee” – and I’ve written about this concept before, here and here.)

(I subsequently found the full text of this article online…click here if you’re interested.)

Since every visit I’ve ever had with a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine has assessed me as “qi deficient,” I naturally paid close attention to this article. Of course, it was an advertisement for a product, and offered up practically miraculous stories of restoration.

And, I continued to wonder: who the heck sent this to me?

After thinking about it some, I went to the website listed and ordered a month’s supply, though. What could it hurt? I’m already taking a variety of supplements, and, over time, have experimented with a wide spectrum of natural products in order to find assistance for what ails me.

A few days later, the product arrived. It was slickly packaged and professionally invoiced. The box of 30 individual packets came with a little 10-page instruction book entitled “How to Experience Cho-Wa. Harmony is Strength.” It advises the user to set up a regular ritual to take the product, setting aside about 15 minutes a day to stir the packet contents into 6 ounces of cool water and then very slowly sip the mixture. As it takes some time to dissolve the powder into the water, the advice is to “simply continue stirring and go deeper into your awareness of the present moment.”

It’s all very Zen-like.

I’m on my third day of taking this formula now. And there’s not much new to report with respect to my physical well-being yet.

But I’ve continued to be curious about how I got this letter; so today I did some research on the web. Apparently, the letter did not come from anyone I know…this appears to be a “marketing technique.” Some even claim that it’s a total scam, aimed at “a demographic pre-disposed to … poor judgment with respect to mass marketing ploys: the elderly.”

Ah, so.

Well, it apparently works. I guess this old fart still believes in the Fountain of Youth, and am willing to follow anyone who claims that it really exists.

Silly, naïve, me.

Soundtrack Suggestion

Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
Live a life less sedentary
Live a life evolutionary with me
Well I hate to be a bother,
But it’s you and there’s no other, I do believe
You can call me naïve but...
I know me very well (at least as far as I can tell)
And I know what I need ...

(“Life Less Ordinary” – Carbon Leaf)

I know this has been a three-day holiday, but it really didn’t seem that way to me. Last Friday was the final day of the semester: the end of the school year. Somehow, I made it through a full academic season here in Marin, though the end product was one tuckered-out academic dean. I basically sleep-walked through this weekend. Man oh man, am I worn out!

Because of the itinerant nature of my professional existence these last four years, I really haven’t had much opportunity for time off (other than moving from one city to the next) – and certainly very limited chances for “vacation.” Surely, this has contributed to my overall fatigue level. One of the (very) few things I did this weekend was to actually put some thought into what I might do during some time off this summer. Given that I haven’t made any plans yet, I’m thinking that maybe my best bet would be to keep things really low key and not try to exhaust myself with any kind of ambitious travel.

What about the Oregon Country Fair?!

Yes, I could use a fun getaway in July to attend this raucous (well, not as much as it used to be) event and to see some old friends. I’m hoping I can make this happen…

The power of music, whether joyous or cathartic, must steal on one unawares, come spontaneously as a blessing or a grace… 

(Oliver Sacks, p. 299, Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain)

I have satellite radio in my car.

Siriusly.

When I purchased my new Subaru last summer, the availability of this add-on was just too enticing to pass up. So, now, I almost always have my radio tuned to satellite rather than listening to FM, AM, CD or my iPod. Sirius Channel 6, devoted to tunes of the 60s, is where my dial is typically set.

Last week, while driving off-campus for lunch one day, the DJ on Channel 6 announced that Channel 3 is currently (and temporarily) assigned entirely, 24/7, to Neil Diamond music. Now I’m aware that Elvis (Channel 13), Jimmy Buffet (Channel 31), and the Grateful Dead (Channel 32), all have their own exclusive Sirius channels, but I thought to myself: Neil Diamond? Really? (Why not the Beatles!?)

Well, anyway, I was intrigued. Neil Diamond has always pretty much been a favorite of mine. I still remember quite vividly seeing him in concert on February 27, 1971, at Gill Coliseum in Corvallis, Oregon. At the time, I was a long-haired, bearded lad of 23, in my first year of grad school at Oregon State University. (And Neil Diamond had just turned 30 the month before…it’s amazing what you can find out on the internet if you just poke around a little.) Margaret and I had great seats, somewhere in the first ten rows, if I recall correctly. Toward the end of the concert he introduced and sang a new song that he said was going to be released soon: I Am … I Said.

I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can’t even say why
Leavin’ me lonely still…

It was released exactly a month later, on March 27, and of course, was a huge hit. I swear: I have always loved that song from the moment I first heard it.

But, I digress.

I immediately tuned into Channel 3, and yes, there he was, Neil himself, talking about the writing of one of his songs. I caught the narrative mid-stream, so I wasn’t sure which song. He was rambling on about this particular piece, and he claimed he didn’t know what it was really about during the time period he was writing it. It was a rather long intro, and then the song played. I had never heard it before, and I remember thinking: how can I not be familiar with this (a Neil Diamond) song?!

Well, as it turns out, he has a new album out called Home Before Dark. Amazon.com informs me that it was just released on April 29, and his website lets us know that this is his 46th album and the only one to debut at Number 1.

The song that I first listened to in the car that noon hour is entitled “If I Don’t See You Again.” It so moved me that it’s the inspiration for this little essay here today.

I don’t know what your experience will be when you hear this song (or what your experience might already have been), but my reaction was (and still is) highly emotional. Quite literally, from the simple opening chords, right until the end, this song seemed to touch me to the core. I can barely remember my drive that lunch hour as I was transported to some other dimension for those seven and a quarter minutes. And, after it played, I could barely remember any of the words…I just had this feeling…

What is the song about? Well, for me, the kicked-in-the-gut reaction it produced suggested it was entirely about loss. While listening I was awash in a huge, familiar physical-emotional response: familiar because of its association with times in my life when things have changed dramatically…when I’ve had to leave people or places behind. Of course, the last four years of my life have been almost entirely about change and loss, so I’ve come to view myself as somewhat of an expert in these areas.

I guess there might be other interpretations, but I’d say this song is about losing a love. And what life brings on when that happens. A tear came to my eye as I listened…the words and the melody poking through an emotional wall I seem to have built up in myself in recent months: a barrier that has apparently prevented me from completely dealing with the depths of the sadness brought on by the loss of a love, and a familiar life, in Oregon.

I can’t seem to get enough of this tune. While it caught me unawares last week, I was immediately hooked. I downloaded it from iTunes that same night, and have been playing it ever since. Exactly what’s going on here, I’m not sure. I just know that my attraction to this song is a powerful one.

And how coincidental that it comes along at this particular time. It was also last week that I was talking to some former colleagues in Oregon, mentioning both my blessings of a new life now made in California, as well as still carrying an overarching belief that Oregon is where I belong.

I suppose this is not very complicated at all. This tune is one that, for whatever reason, touches my soul, and speaks to me about the people and places I no longer have around.

And reminds me of the question that all-too-frequently pops into my mind during unguarded moments: what if I don’t see you again?

Soundtrack Suggestion

Who am I kidding I’m going nowhere
I can’t even get through an hour without you
Should be ashamed
Just want to hear you calling my name
Two of us missed connections
Guess we must have somehow missed
          something more
’Cause we’re here alone
I know we’re together
But too far apart to know how to get back home…

If I don’t see you again
Somehow we both made it through
I woulda gave up on life
Before I gave up on you
You went and turned me around
Could be was something you said
I couldn’t make out the sound
I didn’t care what it meant
If I don’t see you again
If I don’t see you again
If I don’t see you again

(“If I Don’t See You Again” – Neil Diamond)