Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t.
(Richard Bach)

Lately, I find myself staring off into space a little more than usual. Not quite zombie-like, but close.

Given the skin-cancer diagnosis and the need to prepare for surgery in upcoming days (the procedure is scheduled for September 29), I guess it makes sense. You know, thinking about life and death … and taking stock.

Why am I here? What have I done? What is there left to accomplish? What is my mission in life? Do I have a mission in life?

Yes, of course I do. I know it’s there somewhere. It’s just that defining my mission seems to be a little elusive right at the moment. The truth is: ever since entering retirement involuntarily, I haven’t quite gotten it together.

I admit, I have struggled to find meaning and purpose. Mostly, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to regain some emotional equilibrium and have pursued various avenues to better cope with my bodily chronic-pain issues.

In the last month or two, though, I’ve sensed that I may be on the cusp of turning a corner: making myself more fully physically able and functional.

And, then, cancer.

You really never know what is going to happen next, do you? The course of your life, or mine, can change at any moment.

We really should never forget that.

I am writing this on the fifteenth anniversary of 9-11. The newspaper today informs me that, in the period immediately following the attacks, a national poll indicated that an overwhelming majority of the country (79%) felt that the crisis would make us stronger and more unified.

Yeah, right.

Of course, that’s not really my topic today. A lot of my attention right now is on health and my own personal strength in the midst of difficult times.

So, the news is: I got the results of my biopsies back two days ago. I had waited a full seven days to find out that the growth on my leg, tentatively identified as melanoma, is, in fact, benign.

Holy shit, what a relief.

The thing is, the biopsy for the bump on my nose was positive for basal cell carcinoma and I am being referred to a surgeon for the “Mohs procedure.” I am told that this kind of surgery is the absolute best way to go, especially for a cancer that is in such a sensitive and obvious place. It is an iterative surgical process that lasts as long as it needs to to ensure full removal of the cancer. I started looking online for descriptions, and am a tad freaked out by what’s in store for me.

Still, I’m still here.

One of the lines attributed to Angela (Claire Danes as a teenager), in “My So-Called Life” (1994-95), is:

“This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do.”

I’ve heard this quotation in other contexts as well. At any rate, it’s a line that keeps coming up for me right now.

As I navigate this limbo state, between knowing and not-knowing, I sorta wish someone really would just tell me where to go and what to do.

Any suggestions?

At age 69, many of my contemporaries have already faced life-altering and/or life-ending episodes: cancers of various flavors, heart-attacks, strokes, terrible injuries, major surgeries, etc. I happen to fall into the chronic-pain-sufferer category myself. But I have not actually had to deal with a life-threatening illness.

(I was once diagnosed with bladder cancer – two docs in an emergency room – but it turned out to be a mistake.)

So, I keep wondering, as I sit through these days of waiting for biopsy results: is it my turn?

I already know that surgery is in my immediate future. How about chemotherapy? Radiation? The end?

Not really cheery thoughts. Sorry.

I don’t know how to talk about this yet. “This” being my cancer diagnosis. Of course, I only have incomplete information right now, with more news to come. I will be waiting a few more days before I have the biopsy results.

So, I really can’t say much to anyone as I wait. I’ve told only two people so far that I’m in this limbo state, playing this waiting game, sweating this out. Both people I’ve talked to are cancer survivors themselves, one from breast cancer, one from colon cancer. They are doing fine today.

That’s hopeful. Except I don’t really know anyone who’s really beaten a melanoma diagnosis. Even Jimmy Carter has struggled, and he undoubtedly has the best health-care team in the world.