Here is a partial transcript produced from a psychic reading held on January 19, 1998, in Eugene, OR. This is the portion of the session speaking to my past-life experiences with Linda Carroll. [As I suggested in the companion post, this is likely best read for its entertainment value!]
…is because you (and Linda) have been twins. In another time. You were twins one time where you died in utero and she did not. You were both male twins at that time. And so that set up a yearning in other times for the union of that soul again with that soul. And then you were twins, fraternal twins, boy-girl twins and you both lived and you both really worked well together. It was almost like you were mirrors of each other. One was right-handed and one was left-handed. And so the two of you held a balance that was very, very precious and that’s why I’m seeing a deepening in this is the two of you do hold a balance that is very, very precious and the two of you hold a lot of love for one another. You have been also very, very passionate lovers. But not ever living together. What I’m seeing is a time when it’s like the court marriage versus the court love. I’m seeing both of you married … to other people. Other people in the way of uniting families, uniting riches, stopping wars, that sort of thing. But, you and she were also lovers. So that this spark, this passion, kept on and on and on and on, because it was in some ways forbidden? It wasn’t really forbidden, it was tolerated. But if there was any occasion that you had to be seen publicly, you were seen with your wife. And, your nights and your special times were spent with the person who is now known as Linda. Were spent loving and talking and just experiencing each other. You and your wife were both discreet so that there was no big hullabaloo that went along with her relationship with someone else and your relationship with someone else. But the passion and the richness and the desire and everything lasted for a very, very, very, very, very long time. In fact until your deaths. You came together at about the age 16 and you died of old age at that time about 42. That was very old then. And, there was just this spark. And the two of you in some ways have recreated that in this lifetime. And, this ... you both seek each other out more for who you are than anything in the external world… although it’s more a deep friendship. It’s kind of like the fire in the furnace of the basement of a building now. Heating the whole building, kind of coloring your entire life in a way. Because of the presence of this person…
Although I was born and raised in the Midwest, it was never home to me. For some reason, I always felt like a misfit there. I moved to Oregon in 1970 three weeks after I graduated from college. The country was experiencing major turbulence at the time, and I made a big change myself by moving far away from my roots. The killings at Kent State occurred on May 4, 1970; I graduated days later wearing an armband over my gown in protest. I left on June 8th for Corvallis and Oregon State University (OSU) and, after driving four and a half days, arrived there on June 12th, on a warm, bright, sunshiny afternoon. I remember it well. From the moment I saw Corvallis and the campus, I knew I was “home.” I don’t know how to explain it; it’s a feeling. But: things were just “right” when I was in “the West.” And, Corvallis, I discovered, was one of those sleepy college towns that I have always just loved.
I lived there for the next twenty years. When I moved to Corvallis to be a graduate student in chemistry, I never suspected I would be a long-term resident of the place. But I was. A lot of my life happened in that town and on that campus. I went through the agony of my divorce there. I earned two degrees there. I transformed myself from a chemist, to a photographer, to a counselor there. I met two of the most influential people in my life there. I loved, and lost again, there. In essence, I grew up there. (OK, it’s still an open question how much I’ve ever grown up…but that’s an essay for another day…) Corvallis is my “home.”
That was one of the arguments I made last spring when I was a candidate for a position with Linn-Benton Community College – at the Benton Center in Corvallis. It was heartbreak time for me when I did not get that job.
Now, I have another shot at finding a home. The position I will be interviewing for in the near future is with OSU. I would not be located in Corvallis should I be the successful candidate (this position is in Bend), but it would be an affiliation that I would love to have: representing a campus community that I have very strong ties to. I’m having a difficult time not getting really enthusiastic about this. Simply: I am excited to have this interview and this opportunity. I hope I’m not jinxing my chances by writing about it here!
I have indicated that I’m ready for the next part of my journey. I am hoping that a big change is just around the corner.
Soundtrack Suggestion
If you knew that you would die today, Saw the face of god and love, Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart When you're down so low you cannot fall Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth That brings up pain that can't be soothed Would you change? Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow, And hard times come to bring you down, Would you change? Would you change?
Here’s a question that was posed at the end of Sunday’s (February 12, 2006) two-part episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
“If you knew this was your last day on earth, how would you spend it?”
Wow, good one, eh?
And, if I were thinking of attempting to provide a personal response to that question here...could I do it? Well, as my fingers keep hitting the keys, I suppose I'm going to try...and, as I’m writing, I’m thinking of this particular holiday...
Only one day?
Actually, I put serious thought into this not long ago as I was in a state of worry and not-knowing about my peripheral-neuropathy symptoms. And, this question has come up other times as well, certainly in times of despair and/or deep introspection about birth, life, health or dying. When I was in the emergency room being mis-diagnosed with bladder cancer, for example, I stared death directly in the face. And, as Katrina was being treated for breast cancer, I thought very deliberately about what I could give to someone I loved if she had a short time remaining.
Then, last summer, a colleague at work died. He was a little younger than me; one day he simply collapsed at his desk. This came about at the time when I was stressed and depressed about the end of a relationship and worrying about my professional fate. And, I was all by myself.
This led me to the thought that I, very well, could die alone, and no one would know or care — well other than a few in my current immediate circle, perhaps. Acting on this fear, I made sure that my assistant had some very important phone numbers in case something happened to me. And, I did one other thing: perhaps impulsively. I wrote a letter to the person I’ve most loved in this life and told her that if I died right now, without saying “I love you” one more time, then that would be a source of eternal grieving for me. I hope she heard and understood.
So, what would I do with my last day, if I knew it was my last day? On this Valentine’s Day, especially, I have to believe that saying “I love you” to her, and everyone, would be at the top of my list.
Soundtrack Suggestion
Gonna close my eyes Girl and watch you go Running through this life darling Like a field of snow As the tracer glides In its graceful arc Send a little prayer out to ya ’cross the falling dark…
Tell the repo man And the stars above You’re the one I love You’re the one I love The one I love
Listen to your life. It’s showing you everything you need to know about who you can become. (Messiah’s Handbook)
Isn’t it amazing how it's possible that life can turn on your next conversation — or unexpected phone call, email or piece of paper? One minute the world is this way, the next it is something entirely different. The phone call I’ve been waiting for, obviously, is a job offer. Although I’m gainfully employed, I’ve been searching for that “permanent” position for two years now. It hasn’t arrived yet.
But, that’s not the phone call that came this weekend. The voicemail from my landlords this morning was news that the house I’m renting from them is going to be sold. Out from under me. I’ll have some as-yet-undetermined time period after the sale to move out. But, it will very likely be in a month or little more. I was handed a piece of paper outlining the intent to sell, the terms of working with the realtor, and the notice that I’ll need to move my body and possessions to some other location. Soon.
Of course, I’ve had other conversations, phone calls, and pieces of paper that have totally shifted the universe. One of those, obviously, would be the notice I received that August night in 1983: “Mr. Arnold, I’m sorry, you are under arrest for driving under the influence of intoxicants…”
Another would be the email I received from Katrina in October 1999 that said: “Had my annual today. Found a lump. More tests Thursday... Needing good thoughts.”
Or, the emergency room doctor who (mis)diagnosed me with bladder cancer — but was very convincing in his (ultimately erroneous) opinion.
And, of course, there was the paper from the Board of Higher Education terminating my employment with the Chancellor’s Office in the Spring of 2004.
Now, today’s news is not exactly a life and death situation, though with my current energy level, this development seems pretty overwhelming. On top of my regular job, and my job as a job-hunter, I now have to find a new residence, pack up, and move while I continue to look for “real” work.
It would appear that I am being challenged. I am experiencing the opportunity to find out what I’m made of.
Why did I choose this? What am I supposed to be learning here?
Let me guess: it must be about one of my lifetime issues.
You may have caught on: I’m a worrier. I think a lot; I emote a lot. Not that I’m really obsessive, but perhaps there’s a tendency in that direction?
And, I’m a planner: organized and always thinking ahead.
These various elements of my personality seem to collide, in that it’s not a stretch for me to go, in my mind, to “catastrophizing,” that is, thinking about the future and saying to myself “this has disaster written all over it.”
I have an uncertain job situation. I have an infection. I have a muscular or nerve issue in my leg. I have a life alone. I spend all my “free time” trying to find a job. I have trouble sleeping. I need prostate surgery. I don’t have time to pursue my art.
Oh, my, I guess I could keep going…you get the picture, though: worry, worry, worry! (or, maybe: whine, whine, whine?)
Where’s the room for happiness in all that?
When I was about to lose my position with the Chancellor’s Office, a good friend asked me once, “well, what’s the worst that could happen?” Of course, I went straight to catastrophe and saw myself homeless, on a street corner, holding a cardboard sign saying “WILL ORGANIZE THINGS FOR FOOD.”
There’s a lot of uncertainty in my future right now. But, of course, isn’t there uncertainty in everyone’s? I just read that two tornadoes hit New Orleans today! Yikes! What in the world is going on?
But the question remains a good one. “What’s the worst?” Here’s where I think the question has its origin:
When some misfortune threatens, consider seriously and deliberately what is the very worst that could possibly happen. Having looked this possible misfortune in the face, give yourself sound reasons for thinking that after all it would be no such terrible disaster. Such reasons always exist, since at the worst nothing that happens to oneself has any cosmic importance. When you have looked for some time steadily at the worst possibility and have said to yourself with real conviction, “well, after all, that would not matter so very much,” you will find that your worry diminishes to a quite extraordinary extent. It may be necessary to repeat the process a few times, but in the end, if you have shirked nothing in facing the worst possible issue, you will find that your worry disappears altogether and is replaced by a kind of exhilaration.
