The power of music, whether joyous or cathartic, must steal on one unawares, come spontaneously as a blessing or a grace… 

(Oliver Sacks, p. 299, Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain)

I have satellite radio in my car.

Siriusly.

When I purchased my new Subaru last summer, the availability of this add-on was just too enticing to pass up. So, now, I almost always have my radio tuned to satellite rather than listening to FM, AM, CD or my iPod. Sirius Channel 6, devoted to tunes of the 60s, is where my dial is typically set.

Last week, while driving off-campus for lunch one day, the DJ on Channel 6 announced that Channel 3 is currently (and temporarily) assigned entirely, 24/7, to Neil Diamond music. Now I’m aware that Elvis (Channel 13), Jimmy Buffet (Channel 31), and the Grateful Dead (Channel 32), all have their own exclusive Sirius channels, but I thought to myself: Neil Diamond? Really? (Why not the Beatles!?)

Well, anyway, I was intrigued. Neil Diamond has always pretty much been a favorite of mine. I still remember quite vividly seeing him in concert on February 27, 1971, at Gill Coliseum in Corvallis, Oregon. At the time, I was a long-haired, bearded lad of 23, in my first year of grad school at Oregon State University. (And Neil Diamond had just turned 30 the month before…it’s amazing what you can find out on the internet if you just poke around a little.) Margaret and I had great seats, somewhere in the first ten rows, if I recall correctly. Toward the end of the concert he introduced and sang a new song that he said was going to be released soon: I Am … I Said.

I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can’t even say why
Leavin’ me lonely still…

It was released exactly a month later, on March 27, and of course, was a huge hit. I swear: I have always loved that song from the moment I first heard it.

But, I digress.

I immediately tuned into Channel 3, and yes, there he was, Neil himself, talking about the writing of one of his songs. I caught the narrative mid-stream, so I wasn’t sure which song. He was rambling on about this particular piece, and he claimed he didn’t know what it was really about during the time period he was writing it. It was a rather long intro, and then the song played. I had never heard it before, and I remember thinking: how can I not be familiar with this (a Neil Diamond) song?!

Well, as it turns out, he has a new album out called Home Before Dark. Amazon.com informs me that it was just released on April 29, and his website lets us know that this is his 46th album and the only one to debut at Number 1.

The song that I first listened to in the car that noon hour is entitled “If I Don’t See You Again.” It so moved me that it’s the inspiration for this little essay here today.

I don’t know what your experience will be when you hear this song (or what your experience might already have been), but my reaction was (and still is) highly emotional. Quite literally, from the simple opening chords, right until the end, this song seemed to touch me to the core. I can barely remember my drive that lunch hour as I was transported to some other dimension for those seven and a quarter minutes. And, after it played, I could barely remember any of the words…I just had this feeling…

What is the song about? Well, for me, the kicked-in-the-gut reaction it produced suggested it was entirely about loss. While listening I was awash in a huge, familiar physical-emotional response: familiar because of its association with times in my life when things have changed dramatically…when I’ve had to leave people or places behind. Of course, the last four years of my life have been almost entirely about change and loss, so I’ve come to view myself as somewhat of an expert in these areas.

I guess there might be other interpretations, but I’d say this song is about losing a love. And what life brings on when that happens. A tear came to my eye as I listened…the words and the melody poking through an emotional wall I seem to have built up in myself in recent months: a barrier that has apparently prevented me from completely dealing with the depths of the sadness brought on by the loss of a love, and a familiar life, in Oregon.

I can’t seem to get enough of this tune. While it caught me unawares last week, I was immediately hooked. I downloaded it from iTunes that same night, and have been playing it ever since. Exactly what’s going on here, I’m not sure. I just know that my attraction to this song is a powerful one.

And how coincidental that it comes along at this particular time. It was also last week that I was talking to some former colleagues in Oregon, mentioning both my blessings of a new life now made in California, as well as still carrying an overarching belief that Oregon is where I belong.

I suppose this is not very complicated at all. This tune is one that, for whatever reason, touches my soul, and speaks to me about the people and places I no longer have around.

And reminds me of the question that all-too-frequently pops into my mind during unguarded moments: what if I don’t see you again?

Soundtrack Suggestion

Who am I kidding I’m going nowhere
I can’t even get through an hour without you
Should be ashamed
Just want to hear you calling my name
Two of us missed connections
Guess we must have somehow missed
          something more
’Cause we’re here alone
I know we’re together
But too far apart to know how to get back home…

If I don’t see you again
Somehow we both made it through
I woulda gave up on life
Before I gave up on you
You went and turned me around
Could be was something you said
I couldn’t make out the sound
I didn’t care what it meant
If I don’t see you again
If I don’t see you again
If I don’t see you again

(“If I Don’t See You Again” – Neil Diamond)

Now: if only I could be this creative! (Take a look!)

Although it’s been 38 years now, I can’t seem to forget this day.

This is excerpted from the Eau Claire (Wisconsin) Leader-Telegram, May 4, 1970…

Non-Silent Minority Opposes New Thrust

To the Editor:

I [must protest] the decision, announced by President Nixon on April 30, to deploy American ground and air combat troops into neutralist Cambodia. This [action … further compounds mistakes] … [already made] by this and previous administrations …

I truly am unable to comprehend how the American people [are able to] tolerate such irresponsibility [on the part of our national leadership] …

American young men are dying in Vietnam, and now Cambodia. For what?

[If] the South Vietnamese people are determined to be free of Communist aggression, they themselves are the ones who must rally forces to fight and defend their land.

[Our presence] in Southeast Asia is unconstitutional … we are engaged in a large scale war operation without a formal declaration of war. [Surely this is a] mockery of the document upon which our form of government was established … !

[Are] not the “brave young men,” including reluctant inductees, dying needlessly [in a part of the world where we have no legitimate business]? I [believe] this [to be] the case and cannot agree with the President’s decision to expand the war efforts in Southeast Asia for any reason or for any length of time. Mr. Nixon, you must bring all the American troops home immediately and call a halt to this immoral, unjust and unconstitutional fiasco.

Respectfully, from one of the non-silent minority,

PEACE
James C. Arnold

Of course, also on this day (from the New York Times)…

4 Kent State Students Killed by Troops

Kent, Ohio, May 4 -- Four students at Kent State University, two of them women, were shot to death this afternoon by a volley of National Guard gunfire. At least 8 other students were wounded.

The burst of gunfire came about 20 minutes after the guardsmen broke up a noon rally on the Commons, a grassy campus gathering spot, by lobbing tear gas at a crowd of about 1,000 young people…

For the full text of the article, click here.

See also, the official May 4 website; and for an academic discussion of the day’s events, read The May 4 Shootings at Kent State University: The Search for Historical Accuracy by Jerry M. Lewis and Thomas R. Hensley.

Soundtrack Suggestion

Tin soldiers and Nixon coming,
We’re finally on our own.
This summer I hear the drumming,
Four dead in Ohio.

(“Ohio” – Neil Young)

I went walking along the Pacific Ocean beach of San Francisco’s Sunset District during the weekend. It was an incredible day: bright sunshine, cloudless, not-too-windy. I was dressed in layers, but many (individuals, couples, families) were attired simply in shorts and t-shirts.

As I walked up and down the beach, I couldn’t help but notice how, well, dirty, the landscape looked. This ocean-front bore very little resemblance at all to the array of pristine beaches I am accustomed to in Oregon.

I had to ask myself: what’s going on here?

Well, consider…

On November 7, 2007, not long after I moved to the Bay Area, a wayward container ship (the Cosco Busan) ran right into the Bay Bridge and spilled 54,000 gallons of bunker fuel oil into the water.

You must remember hearing about this. It was a mess. Beaches were blackened; more than 2,500 birds died. (And 20,000 more may have been put at risk.) And who knows what other health risks were created!

At the time, I was just starting a new job in the North Bay, and was pretty much totally focused on my own personal survival. The oil spill, to me, was sort of background noise.

Now, this spring, I get out on a nice day and look at the beaches…and think…ohmygod!

Here’s a little something from the website of the International Bird Rescue Research Center:

Bunker fuel spills are extremely toxic to marine life, especially birds that float and feed through a spill. The oil inhibits the birds ability to thermo-regulate and they become cold as their natural insulation in their feathers break down. The birds spend most of their time trying to preen the oil out of feathers and thus ingesting the oil. Weakened, they will often beach themselves and fall prey to predators or die from the toxic effects of oil…

Please remember : Do not attempt to wash, feed or house oiled birds and other animals! Spilled oil is extremely toxic. The use of proper gloves and protocols must be followed to insure the safety of the public AND the animals.

So, I am asking: am I really ok when I’m out walking around on these beaches these days!? How would I know?

I’m trying to do anything I can these days, whenever I’m away from work, to get my mind off work. The intensity of each workday right now makes that rather difficult.

So, it was with some sense of delight, recently, when I discovered a “wink” in my home email, from an East Bay woman who found my profile on match.com.

Yes, in case you didn’t know…I have a personal-ad profile listed online. And I’ve been involved, off and on, in the virtual dating world for quite some time now.

Years, actually. (Ah, the stories I could tell!)

Now, usually, I don’t respond to mere “winks” – much preferring someone who is drawn to my profile enough to write me a full (even if brief) message. But this time, for whatever reason, I wrote a short little note back – and after a couple of emails, we decided to meet for tea at an East Bay Starbucks last Sunday.

In short: it was wonderful. We talked for little over an hour and things went very smoothly, I thought. As we parted, she invited me to call or email her.

Which I did, a few hours later. I sent her an email indicating that I was “interested” and: could we get together again?

The answer: no thanks. “The chemistry just wasn’t there. So sorry about that.”

Isn’t it strange how rejection from someone I don’t even really know can still have such yucky feelings associated with it?

I hadn’t put myself out there like that for anyone in a long time. I guess I need to get more practiced, and thicker-skinned.

Maybe I’ll wink at somebody myself tonight. I really do need to get out more.

Soundtrack Suggestion

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

(“Home” – Michael Bublé )