Indicators

I’ve previously written about my struggles with “fitting in.” This has been another one of those weeks, and especially one of those days, when I’ve re-engaged with that issue. I’m in a pretty much “glass-half-empty” kind of space tonight as I contemplate a few indicators of a life that’s not working all that well at the moment. So, here they are: how you might tell your life could be in better shape…

• Losing a job that you’d had for nearly a decade. Being ignored, unappreciated and unceremoniously dismissed in the process.

• Spending the best hours of every day on the downhill side of life working and looking for work. (Well, and writing the occasional blog entry.)

• Worrying about health. Worrying about safety, security, and stability. Worrying about worrying to death.

• Finding work that is merely temporary. Being treated like a temp.

• Having (or at least taking) no time to stop and smell the roses. Having no time to produce art. Having no time to read a novel.

• Barely enough energy to get out of bed, lots of times, just imagining the difficulty level of the day ahead.

• Constant, chronic myofascial pain, accompanied frequently by headaches and symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Other strange aches, pains & afflictions and occasional infections.

• Coming home after work and always finding that it’s another evening alone. And, consequently, anticipating that dying and death will also come very alone.

• Spending part of every evening taking a hot bath, trying to soak away some of the pain. Easing into the hot water, being overwhelmed with hopelessness. Feeling, fighting, the inclination to sob.

• Feeling the large part, of most every day, like a misfit.

Addictive Organizations and the Four-Fold Way

If you’ve ever discovered the need to show up at work everyday by first forcing yourself out of bed, and then dragging yourself into the office because you’re dreading the day there: perhaps you’re working in an “addictive organization” (a concept I briefly outlined in my recent Analysis Paralysis post).

How does anyone really cope with life in an addictive organization? How is it possible to survive, much less thrive? What is your fate if you find yourself in one? Can you promote health and recovery…and actually, eventually, find a place of well-being there?

During the time I was engaged in my doctoral research, and anticipating using the addictive organization model as a theoretical framework for my dissertation, I corresponded briefly with Anne Wilson Schaef, the model’s developer. I had been tremendously impressed with her “organization as addict” metaphor and asked about any thoughts she might have regarding “coping with” or “recovery in” such an organization. She said that her plans were to write a follow-up book to The Addictive Organization (1988) and outline her ideas there. As far as I’ve been able to determine, though, she never produced that book…I can only hope it’s not because she thinks that recovery is impossible!

Now, given that it took an entire 232 pages to outline the many dimensions of an addictive organization, I suppose it would be reasonable to assume that any discussion of recovery in one would take at least as much space. However, coping with an addictive organization has been much on my mind lately, and I thought I might get started (here) on developing some salient points regarding this topic.

Although there are several dimensions of an addictive organization, certainly near the top of the list of characteristics (and among the most applicable to individual addicts) are the descriptors of denial, dishonesty and control. So, in this brief essay, let’s begin with just these three.

Denial means that the organizational problems are not openly acknowledged, or at least not accepted as “real” by those most able to address the dysfunction: the leadership. For issues to be worked on, they need to be identified, they need to be named. Statements such as “this is just the way things are” or “this is as good as it gets” or “we may have a few small problems here, but certainly not big ones” – when everyone really knows differently – is a sure sign of organizational denial.

Dishonesty is another key characteristic of an addictive organization. Like individuals who are addicted to substances or processes, those caught up in such an unhealthy organization exhibit their dishonesty on three levels: by lying to themselves, to those around them, and to the world at large. Believing that one can effectively impression-manage (e.g., the media) and “put up a good front” to those outside the organization, for example, are a couple of obvious manifestations of organizational dishonesty.

[I was once told, in private, by a college president, “I tell lies to everyone every day. There’s no other way to do this job.” While a striking example of personal honesty, the underlying message is one that reflects normal life in an addictive system.]

Finally, there is the element of control. This more accurately might be labeled the illusion of control, though, as it is, of course, ultimately impossible to control anything. However, the addictive organization harbors the notion that it is possible to control. When likened to a dysfunctional family that revolves around an individual addicted member, Schaef (p. 66) describes this symptom as “[t]he family tries to control the addict; the addict’s behavior is controlling the family; the co-dependent spouse is trying to avoid being controlled; and everyone is going crazy.” Further, Schaef notes (p. 66), that “whenever a system is operating on the illusion of control, it is an addictive system by definition.”

I believe that it’s possible to begin the grasp the severity of life in an addictive organization by simply (and quite briefly, as I’ve done above) understanding just these three characteristics. The questions that naturally arise include: What is there to do? How do I cope? How do I survive? How can I continue to show up every day, when this is what I always find?

I suppose that any discussion of “recovery” in a system defined as “addictive” would naturally include, at some point, a 12-step model; let me leave that discussion for another day, though. I would like to begin with countering the three points above by suggesting strategies that lie on the opposite ends of our behavioral continuum.

If the characteristics of denial and dishonesty are taken together (considering that denial is essentially a lie to one’s self), then a position contrary to that is honesty. Similarly, when the element of control is considered, an alternative could be termed surrender. So, I pose the question, what if I approached life in an addictive system with a personal stance of honesty and surrender?

When I consider this question, I am reminded of the Four-Fold Way orientation developed by anthropologist Angeles Arrien. Quoting directly and liberally from the description of this model on her website, I believe it is evident how such a philosophical and behavioral stance might successfully contend with the illness of an addictive system. The four elements are:

• Be Present. The way of the Leader is to show up. Being present allows us to access the human resources of power, presence, and communication. We express this through appropriate action, good timing, and clear communication.

• Pay Attention. The way of the Healer is to pay attention to what has heart and meaning. Paying attention opens us to the human resources of love, gratitude, acknowledgment, and validation. We express this through our attitudes and actions that maintain personal health and support the welfare of our environment.

• Tell The Truth. (Honesty) The way of the Creative Problem Solver is to tell the truth without blame or judgment. Truthfulness, authenticity, and integrity are keys to developing our vision and intuition. We express this through personal creativity, goals, plans, and our ability to bring our life dreams and visions into the world.

• Be Open To Outcome. (Surrender) The way of the Teacher (or Counselor) is to be unattached to outcome. Openness and non-attachment help us recover the human resources of wisdom and objectivity. We express this through our constructive communication and informational skills.

It is my thought, and suggestion here, that to adopt the healthy elements of Arrien’s Four-Fold Way, could be critical to both personal survival and organizational change in an addictive system.

Are you with me?

N-Zone Update

Here are the latest developments regarding my experiment with low-dose naltrexone (LDN).

I’ve taken my medicine every night for 12 nights now; I have a 30-day supply, so I’m nearing the half-way point of this trial period. I was cautioned to not expect any improvement in my CMP symptoms too quickly, and that certainly seems to be wise advice. There has been no “miracle cure” here, for sure.

I believe I am experiencing small, but perceptible changes, however. The most problematic areas for me have been the tingling & numbness in my left foot and the pain my lower back. Although it’s somewhat difficult to tell (due to the “good-day” / “bad-day” nature of the disease), I’ve been starting to think that there is a little improvement. The primary way I have of gauging this is that, at some points during some days recently, I have realized that I’ve not been thinking about the pain. This is pretty incredible, given that most all of the time (in recent days, weeks, months and even years), awareness of the pain is always with me.

I’m hoping that there is some promise in this treatment, but there’s a long way to go. Especially, since I’ve developed additional pain symptoms recently. Given all the time I’ve spent at the computer in the last two to three weeks to address the problems with my former blog, and then getting this version ready to go online, I’ve developed pain in my right forearm and wrist that is consistent with my 1990 tendonitis diagnosis. Amazingly, though, the Trigger Point Therapy Workbook offers me hope that I can treat this with trigger-point massage therapy (and that this may not, after all, be tendonitis but rather part of my CMP condition).

The bottom line of my thinking for today is that there may be some hope for me and my CMP woes as I combine the self-massage and LDN therapies.

End of Life

I received word a couple of days ago that one of my high school classmates does not have long to live. Several years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer but was able to survive the experience back then. The most recent memory I have of her is from a class reunion where I observed her smoking a cigarette. I must admit, I had a judgment about this. I thought: A cancer survivor. Yet she’s smoking. Incredible. She must have a death wish.

Linda was someone I shared rides with to school in the morning some days (via a carpool). I can’t say that we were really friends, though. We were acquaintances, mostly; we lived in the same neighborhood of our small, rural northern-Wisconsin town and our parents knew each other. She was at least one notch, probably more, above me on the social scale. She was a good looking teenager (rather hot, actually) and dated the jocks. I was extremely average looking, small, non-athletic, academic — and nerdy with a rather rebellious wild side. I didn’t fit. She did.

Now she’s in hospice care. So, again I’m left thinking: what’s this life all about, anyway?

The N-Zone

I’ve talked off and on here about my diagnosis of chronic myofascial pain, provided some thoughts about surviving this disease and the treatment process, and most recently, discussed the trigger-point injection therapy I began a couple of weeks ago.

Here’s a little addendum to the story that I’ll now share with you…

During the first appointment at the doctor’s office where we performed trigger-point injections , skittish-(around-needles)-person that I am, I allowed only four injections. The second time, a few days later, was a session with 19 injections. That extremely-intense ordeal was on a Monday morning, and, as it followed a weekend of suffering through some intense back and foot pain, I experienced some much-needed relief during the course of that day. However, by that evening, I had pretty much returned to “normal.” (This was not a good thing, of course…the pain had returned!) In fact, by the end of the week (on that Friday), I was hurting so much that I made and kept an appointment with my chiropractor in Eugene, where I obtained some pain abatement with the (for me, usual) treatment modes of ultrasound, light massage, and a small chiropractic adjustment.

My injection-therapy doc was going to be out of town for a bit, so the first chance I had to return to him was Monday morning of this week. While there, I reported on my status, including the few-hours-only relief I obtained as a result of the 19 injections last time.

Of course, I had been discouraged at not experiencing more relief as a result of that previous visit, but, still, was rather unprepared for the assessment that injections were not going to be the preferred treatment for me. The “typical patient” tends to respond much more positively than I did, apparently.

I had been warned that this (injection) path might be more problematic for me than others, though. In reporting my medical history, I of course had disclosed that I had been taking lorazepam (“Ativan”) during the last several months in an attempt to cope with the anxiety-factors of my life (job loss, interviewing, moving…that kind of stuff). As it turns out, and as I had been informed, taking a drug in the bezodiazepine class can sometimes (oftentimes) seriously get in the way of having a successful outcome from trigger-point injections. And this doctor, while having treated only a few individuals who were taking (or had taken) this type of drug, had first-hand experience in seeing such cases as mine “fail.” I had been off the drug for a full three weeks at the time of my injections (and, now, as I write this, it’s been over five weeks), but the effect that the drug can have on the body (at least as far as trigger-point injections go) can be much longer lasting than would typically be predicted from the elimination half-life .

So, what to do now? (was the question) I had been studying the Trigger Point Therapy Workbook and doing my own self-massage of trigger points (with the help of a variety of massage “tools” that I now own). But this approach seems to have yielded little progress, especially regarding my back pain. (It’s possible that the condition in my left leg and foot is somewhat improved.)

I asked the doc what we could to do to pursue an alternative treatment path. Fortunately, he had some ideas (several of them, actually). One possible approach that emerged was to take small doses of a drug, naltrexone , once a day (at bedtime) for thirty days. Naltrexone is an “anti-narcotic” usually prescribed to manage alcohol and opiate addiction. However, in low doses (3 mg vs. the typical 50 mg), the drug has been found to be advantageous for a variety of ailments. The hypothesis regarding this drug’s biochemical mechanism (magic?) is that it produces an increase in endorphin levels in the body, which positively impact muscle tissue (and myofascial trigger points, in my case). In people with diseases that are partially or largely triggered by a deficiency of endorphins ( CMP and fibromyalgia are thought to be in this category), or are accelerated by a deficiency of endorphins, restoration of the body’s normal production of endorphins is believed to be the major therapeutic action of (low-dose) naltrexone.

Now, I had never heard of this drug prior to two days ago. But, I admit, this theory and approach are fairly attractive: a low dose of a drug purported to have “no side effects” and that does not involve frequent, multiple and painful needles in my body. Further, the success rate of this approach for individuals with my condition is supposedly quite high (the pharmacist said that, in his experience, this approach works “about 90% of the time”).

I took the first dose last night at bedtime, after discovering that “low-dose naltrexone” (LDN) has its own website and listserv on yahoogroups . I have started to do the reading and the research, though it may be several days before I have any “results” of this experiment to talk about.

Stay tuned for further updates on my naltrexone experience...