Books & Movies & The Meaning of Life
I was recently introduced to a children’s book I had not previously encountered: Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. It is a short, moving, simply-illustrated story about the relationship, and various encounters, between a boy and a tree, over the boy’s lifetime (into old age). A friend shared with me that the book was deliciously, perhaps painfully, illustrative of the role of parenthood. (Indeed, with a little research, I found that numerous interpretations of the book abound, including those with religious, friendship, environmental, satirical, and parent-child themes.) The same book popped into my consciousness again this week in a list of “the best books to read at every age, from 1 to 100,” published by the Washington Post.
So, I already had Shel Silverstein and his work on my brain when I watched “The Upside” on the plane from MSP to SEA a few days ago. This movie, starring Bryan Cranston and Kevin Hart, is a story about a billionaire quadriplegic, Phillip (Cranston), and his ex-con caregiver, Dell (Hart). At one point, fairly late in the film, Phillip reluctantly agrees to a “date” with a woman, Lily (in a cameo role by Julianna Margulies), with whom he has been sharing an old-fashioned, snail-mail, love-letter relationship. Interestingly, Phillip and Lily had never met in person. This is where Shel Silverstein enters. Lily, during the course of this in-person lunch date with Phillip, describes the Silverstein book, The Missing Piece. In the story, a circle, with a pie-shaped piece missing, wanders (rolls) around looking for the perfectly-shaped piece which will complete it. When the circle finally finds the right object, it, at first, happily rolls along; ultimately, however, it discards the piece because it now moves too fast to be able to enjoy the companionship of others it had previously enjoyed, such as worms and butterflies. The storytelling leads Lily to reject Phillip, which devastates him.
I was intrigued by the fact that this children’s book was used to move the plot forward. So, I found and read The Missing Piece, and have been meditating on it a lot. For me, the story brings up a number of fundamental philosophical questions: What am I doing here, wandering around, in this life? What am I looking for? What is the nature of wholeness? What does it mean to be complete? Do I have to give up self to be with another? Does that other have to give up self to be with me? Can I be with another and be myself? Are soul-mates a myth? Does a union, perfect or not, create less happiness, not more? How could that be? What is happiness? What is relationship? What is perfection? Why pursue it?
As usual, I am a little confused. Life is such a mystery. So many questions. So few answers. So many books. So little time.
[Additional resources: The Upside. The Missing Piece.]
What Now?
There are those periods in any lifetime, comprised of hours, days, weeks, or sometimes longer, that lead you to question much of what’s come before. Have you ever noticed that? … for WHAM!, there you are, minding your own business, and suddenly, unexpectedly, this or that happens. And it’s at that point you come to question: Is this my life? Really?
I have a love-hate relationship with these interludes, for as good as they typically turn out, when I’m in the midst of it all, feelings of loss, ambiguity, confusion and pain are frequent visitors. Happily, a sense of excitement and wonderment can be part of it as well. It can be tragic. As well as magic.
Here’s what’s going on right now.
I met a woman online a short time ago. When she sent me a brief note of introduction, and I went to read her profile, I thought: amazing. We met for coffee the first time, and afterwards I wrote her a follow-up email, using that word; when she wrote back she said, yes, our connection for a first meeting was amazing.
After having lunch together for a second date, she discovered this blog. She apparently read quite a few entries and her emailed comments to me included:
… you have shared your personal history, dreams, joys, challenges, disappointments and vulnerabilities. Your words can so resonate that one moment I find myself laughing out loud, the next deeply moved to tears … [and] this is beginning to create a heart connection that is both surprising and much welcomed. As I tried to convey in my online profile, in addition to intellectual and physical compatibility, I’m looking for deep mutual closeness based on emotional intimacy, conscious communication, psychological awareness and spiritual alignment …
All told, we got together five times in two weeks. During the last date, a hike along a local trail, we, for the first time, held hands. At the conclusion of our time outdoors, we went back to her place for a while, at which point she indicated that our relationship would not be going any further. “I cannot give my heart to a man whose heart is in Oregon,” she stated.
Holy crap, I said to myself. And here I thought things were going so well.
But, during those two weeks we spent together, I had taken a quick trip to Portland for a job interview. I had had phone and Skype interviews before she sent me that first note. When I was up there on campus, I know I performed well and that the selection committee liked me. The president of the college, an old friend of mine, called me after the formal process was over to express her support. It seemed I was on a trajectory for a job offer. Of course, I didn’t keep this a secret, as the possibility of my departure was a very big deal. Still, the relationship seemed to be progressing normally, especially as evidenced by the “heart-connection” email. You know, and the whole hand-holding thing that very morning.
However, even before the outcome of the job process was clear, she called it quits, severing the possibility of any romantic relationship, though leaving open the prospect of “friendship.” I passed on that option.
Then, as anticipated, the very next evening, I did receive the job offer (by email, minus any details such as salary). When, after three more days, the terms were clarified, it seemed apparent this was not the place for me. While they said they wanted me, their budget was apparently not flexible enough to back up that claim. And other issues seem to be forbidden topics of conversation as well (e.g., vacation days). All in all: it was very strange and uncomfortable.
You know, it wasn’t that long ago I believed I’d do anything for a ticket back to Oregon. Interestingly, that has turned out not to be the case. I respectfully declined their offer, with only modest hesitation.
And, the truth is, I feel great with this decision. I live in beautiful, sunny, scenic Marin County, California, just ten miles from the Golden Gate. My interview trip to Portland, while a professional success, entailed surviving 40-degree weather and constant rain. It was dismal.
I am coming to realize that I feel at home in the Bay Area. It now seems likely that while I wasn’t paying attention, I was becoming a Californian.
But I was rejected for being an Oregonian.
Apparently, both the person and the college wanted to be just friends. Without the benefit of actual benefits, however.
Dear Universe: honestly. You really kill me sometimes!
Soundtrack Suggestion
Now he lives in the islands, fishes the pilins
And drinks his green label each day
Writing his memoirs, losin’ his hearin’
But he don’t care what most people say.
Through eighty-six years of perpetual motion
If he likes you he’ll smile and he’ll say
“Jimmy, some of it’s magic, some of it’s tragic
But I had a good life all the way.”
(“He Went to Paris” – Jimmy Buffett)
Teller Territory
Teller was married once, in his twenties, for ten years. Since then, he has had two other, more-significant couplings; he counts both Leigh and Katrina among his “great loves.” While other, shorter-term relationships have come and gone, the losses of these three have affected Teller the most profoundly.
Teller genuinely likes women. Even when they aren’t his lovers, members of the female gender comprise most of the individuals he counts as friends. Women of all kinds, shapes, sizes, interests and orientations seem to be attracted to Teller for one reason or another. He suspects that women can get from him what they find generally lacking in other males: the ability to really listen, understand and be present. Despite this, though, one of his women friends, at one point in his life, informed Teller that it was her opinion it was these very qualities that eventually kept women away. “Women always say that they want their significant other to express feelings and really be present, but when it comes the time that they actually find somebody like that, they don’t know how to handle it. Teller, you can be so present it’s scary. Yes, I think that’s why you’re alone,” she said. “You don’t fit into any model of any man they’ve known before.”
So, here Teller is, now in his sixties, still trying to understand his life. He’s trying to figure women out, and find an explanation for why he’s neither in a relationship nor been able to sustain one.
Right now he’s thinking about Mona. Mona lives in another part of the state, but was visiting Teller Territory a couple of years ago, around Thanksgiving (November 2008), to celebrate the holiday with her parents. Teller and Mona happened to find themselves at neighboring tables in a local Starbucks one afternoon, and they struck up a conversation. Mona initiated with a comment about Teller’s laptop computer, but it ended up to be an intense, three-hour dialog about various, intimate aspects of each of their lives. They ultimately exchanged contact information but, then, Mona drove home the next day. While Teller did follow up with an email, there was no response from her, other than a belated reply to remind Teller that she was very busy, living with someone else, and was a long way away (with no chance of ever living in Teller Territory).
However, Teller has had, just recently, further contact with Mona. She is no longer in relationship, and was again visiting her parents in Teller Territory last week. She was the one who initiated contact, and they ended up spending about 12 hours together (in person and on the phone), over the course of two days, engaged in deep conversation about their lives.
Now, she’s gone again: off to lead her solitary life. In Mona Territory.
Teller’s Adopted Family
Teller and Katrina first met in late 1997. The relationship they subsequently established could most accurately be described as “on-again, off-again.” It was a chaotic experience that occasionally drove Teller right to the edge of his ability to cope. However, despite everything, he believed himself to be totally invested in, and committed to, the relationship; Katrina was almost always ambivalent about it.
Still, the unpredictable nature of the union did not stop Teller from loving Katrina completely. And, along with Katrina, came the matter of her three kids. In 1997, Tamson, the oldest, was 20 years old and was no longer living at home; Beccalynn, the girl, had just turned 17; and Bryan, the “baby” of the family, was 13. The younger two were living part-time with Katrina and part-time with their father.
That Katrina loved her offspring utterly and completely was undeniable. And, though, at the time Teller met her, Katrina was still struggling with her ex-husband’s sexual-orientation announcement (the turning point that had doomed their marriage), and Beccalynn was exhibiting a number of typical, adolescent, acting-out behaviors, it was evident that all of them were still a family that cared deeply about one another.
If all the world’s a stage, then, it was on this set, within this particular family-in-transition, that Teller found himself a player.
And so it came to pass, Teller ended up not only being in love with Katrina, but also with Tamson, Beccalynn and Bryan. It was a package deal, or so it seemed. It wasn’t ever a matter of Katrina saying, “love me, love my family,” however. No such suggestion or demand was ever made or needed. To Teller, these people, all of them, were, simply, lovable. Teller couldn’t help himself. The sense of family and community he found with Katrina and the kids was unparalleled in his life. He had never experienced such inclusion and warmth, and once he was a part of it, he could not imagine his life, ever again, without this feeling.
Teller had told Katrina early on that he believed the best chance for success, for his insertion into this cast of characters, was to establish direct (i.e., not mediated by Katrina) relationships with each of the kids. He had “studied” step-parenting dynamics while in a previous relationship, and understood that this approach was likely to yield the most healthy result. And so that is what he did: little-by-little, he inched emotionally closer to each of them individually and, additionally, allowed tons of space for them to move in his direction.
For whatever it was that Teller did “right,” and for whatever other cosmic forces aligned to make it possible, Teller did, indeed, establish successful, loving relationships with each of the kids. In his heart, he adopted all three of them. There was nothing legal about the adoption, of course…it was an off-the-record, in-Teller’s-heart-and-mind, secret emotional adoption. Teller ultimately referred to Tamson, Beccalynn and Bryan, privately, as “the kids he never had.”
He embraced their presence in his life, totally and without reservation. And there never seemed to be any Katrina-like ambivalence on the part of the kids about their individual relationships with Teller. So, when it finally became evident to Teller that there was no future in his relationship with Katrina, he vowed to stay as available to each of the kids as they might desire.
And, the kids have wanted Teller to be around. He has been invited to, and attended, all three of their weddings, the most recent one (Bryan’s) in November (2010). And Beccalynn, just last week, sent Teller a note informing him of her involvement in a photography class…and how much she was learning.
Still, it was with utter amazement that Teller opened up his email two days ago and found this wholly-unexpected message from Katrina (who is now re-married and a step-parent to a young girl named Charlie…):
hi teller-
in these weeks of living-in step-mothering (since we moved into our house in december, charlie is now in my life half time, just as she always has been with her father), i’m understanding more and more the complexity of step-parenting, and what it takes to fulfill this role. charlie is a real dearheart and i enjoy her very much. nonetheless, my life has changed and it’s not always easy! i’ve been reflecting upon how thankful I am that you were so interested in my kids and appreciating with now-more-aware eyes some of the complexity you may have experienced in all of it. i’ve always appreciated this about you, but want to call it forward again and recognize again how you put your heart into them and into that role despite all of the challenges. i have not forgotten, nor will i. thank you, jacobadam.
warmly-
katrina
Upon reading these words, Teller’s eyes opened wide, then moistened, with the tears finally streaming down. His heart was both heavy with loss, open with love.
Oh, how he misses Tamson, Beccalynn and Bryan. And, of course, Katrina.
For two days he read this note again and again. And the tears welled up every time, even as he, finally, dragged the message into the folder labeled “family.”