Whatever is becoming of me? Am I turning into this stereotype of a curmudgeonly old fart, someone unrecognizable even to myself? Why is it I find myself engaging in some behaviors these days that would have seemed foreign even just a few years ago?
Or maybe, my actions today are because I’m actually healthy (and want to stay that way) and have little to do with curmudgeonliness?
I haven’t a clue…
Here’s the story.
I went out to a local coffee shop this morning to have a cup of tea and read the newspaper. This is one of (what I term) my “civilized behaviors.” Although I swore off coffee years ago, I have never really given up the coffee-house scene. I love going out in the morning and spending some time with a hot beverage and the morning’s newspaper. Today, I treated myself to the SundayOregonian.
This time, I also wanted something to eat. I had never ordered a bagel at this particular place before, so I asked the young man behind the counter what the choices were. Well, there were just three bagels left in the entire place at 9:30 a.m., as it turned out, but I asked that the blueberry bagel be toasted (and could I please have some cream cheese?). I watched while he first prepared my tea, then as he washed his hands before he unwrapped the bagel, sliced it, and put it in the toaster.
So far, so good, I thought.
As I sipped my tea from a seat across the room, I continued to watch as he left the toaster and began to wait on other customers. I observed him open the cash register and handle their money. Finally, when my bagel was ready, he turned around again, back to the counter, and with his bare hands lifted the bagel from the toaster. Then he put it on a plate and brought it over to me.
Which I, of course, refused.
Very calmly I told him that I appreciated the fact that he’d washed his hands before preparing the bagel, but that I’d seen him handle cash and then lift my bagel from the toaster…adding that, at the very least, he could have used tongs.
He was somewhat surprised at my words, I think, but immediately offered up, “yes, that was careless of me. How should we handle this?”
When he brought me back a heated muffin instead, he said, “one guaranteed germ-free muffin for you, sir.”
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks, “George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, “Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?”
“Respect the Constitution, as I did,” Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, “Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?”
“Help the less fortunate, just as I did,” FDR replies and fades into the mist...
Bush isn’t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, “Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?”
YES! Magazine (online) has come through! As I mentioned in my January 27th post, last month the publication expressed an interest in some of my pro-peace/anti-war photos. They now have an entire page devoted to Who Can Stop the War? We the People– which includes, along the right-hand column of that layout, some shots from their contributing photographers. It appears that of their top six choices, five of them are mine!!
Here we are: mid-winter. The armpit of the year. But, as the rest of the country has been (and is) enduring a literal deep-freeze experience, in western Oregon we’ve done rather well in recent weeks. Last Sunday the afternoon turned out to be sunny and rather balmy, reaching nearly 60 degrees. Wow! I took a little drive, north from Roseburg on Highway 99, and found the teeny-tiny burg of Oakland . I stopped for awhile and took a stroll around the “historic” downtown, just about the time locals were gathering to watch the Super Bowl at the Oakland Tavern.
Groundhog Day. Yes, it’s that day…the (mostly laughable) holiday the movie inspired. I’m guessing there will be six more weeks of winter? (We have a choice?!)
In some respects, like Phil Connors (Bill Murray), I’m experiencing a sense of déjà vu all over again. Last year on this day, I wrote about an unstable work situation, spending all my free time looking for another job, having trouble sleeping, living a life alone, suffering with a muscular/nerve issue in my leg, and having virtually no time to pursue my art. (Question: is this blog “art?”) Well OK, now there’s a bunch of stuff (!)…and interestingly (well, for me at least), all of it is still going on right up to this present moment. Consequently I’m realizing, more and more, the wisdom of the saying, “wherever you go, there you are.”
Because: I’m now living in another city, inhabiting a totally new and different physical environment, and experiencing a quite-different (small-town) culture. And, yet, realistically, my life has not actually changed all that much. Today: truly déjà vu.
Here I am. For all practical purposes, in the same situation I’ve been in for some time. Well, other than, for four entire weeks, I’ve been focused on almost nothing else other than improving my health – which had declined to a really unacceptable level and necessitated a break from the routine.
I have to admit, though, my life is better now after having this unprecedented month-long hiatus to focus on self and to engage in an extended period of reflection. And to try to relax. I have not been “relaxed” for a long time. (Years, maybe? Perhaps never?) Insomuch as the muscular state of my body has been perpetually “tight” for as long as I can remember (at least since the time of my early 20s), I can honestly ponder the question: do I have any idea what it is to be relaxed? It may be that I have that particular human condition (relaxation) in my mind as an intellectual construct, but I don’t really know what it means from personal, lived experience.
In any event, I’ve worked on (or at least toward) relaxation for an entire month now, with a 45-minute period of each day devoted to meditation. For at least that portion of every day (sometimes longer), I’ve attempted to clear out random, fleeting thoughts from my mind and, quite simply, focus on the breath. (With varying degrees of success from day-to-day, I might add.) However, it has become a very important part of my existence, and I know that I need to find a way to continue on with this practice, even as I resume a more structured daily routine next week that includes a return to work and all its accompanying stresses.
Needless to say, I’ve paid a great deal of attention to my physical being this last month, as I’ve tirelessly dedicated myself to addressing the chronic-pain issues that have plagued me. I’ve mentioned previously many of the approaches I’ve utilized. And, this week, just yesterday, I added one more technique; I had a craniosacral therapy session for the first time ever. This method is, at this point, still pretty mysterious to me, but it “involves assessing and addressing the movement of the cerebrospinal fluid, which can be restricted by trauma to the body, such as through falls, accidents, and general nervous tension.” My therapist was very gentle, had good, warm hands, and very caringly applied (barely detectable) pressure to various parts of my head, neck and ears. As I left, she advised that my body would slowly be responding to the work over the next few days – and that I should come back in a couple of weeks for more attention. Apparently, there are significant issues here for me, and utilizing this kind of therapy may be instrumental in helping to further improve my condition. Honestly: I’ll do anything that works. Western medicine has helped me very little, and only alternative health-care providers have helped illuminate the path to greater health.
But, as much time and energy as I’ve devoted to my physical self, my spirit is what has really needed nurturing. I’m not sure that I had really reached a spiritual crisis crossroads, and I don’t know that what I’ve experienced lately would be labeled as “spiritual emergence” – perhaps we should just say that this particular health-crisis interlude has led to a spiritual surge. Yes, that sounds about right.
Like everyone, I believe I’m seeking happiness in life. Rarely, though, have I found it. However, if I can keep reminding myself that health and happiness are not really destinations, but that they can only be found moment-by-moment, then, perhaps, I can live more fully.
Lasting progress doesn’t happen in a few dramatic moments, but hour by hour, day by day. And as time passes, every process includes repairs: The road to happiness is always under construction. Focus on taking life one step at a time until you get it right; set aside what you can do later. When discipline and patience join forces, they become a persistence that endures past the peaks and valleys to carry intentions to completion. Enthusiasm sets the pace, but persistence reaches the goal. Process, patience, and persistence are keys that unlock the doorway to any destination. (pp. 31-32) Dan Millman in The Laws of Spirit
