On Being Present

Inspired by NPR’s This I Believe series...

I’ve always prided myself on my openness, my honesty, and my emotional availability. Over the course of my lifetime, I’ve frequently received favorable comments regarding these qualities. This despite the fact that I’m a guy and I know lots of men (maybe most) who have absolutely no clue what the term “emotional availability” might mean. Or how to invoke it.

These particular traits are consistent with the guiding philosophy of my life, namely: I believe in being present. In expressing this belief, I’m talking about something a lot deeper than Woody Allen’s quip of “showing up is 80 percent of life.” No: I intend something decidedly more profound — of much greater difficulty level — than simply being physically located in a particular place at a particular time.

In truth, I believe that being present is the secret of life: that without the ability to be present, I’d really be missing out on what the total human experience has to offer. Being present takes energy, though, so it’s likely the reason that most people avoid it, don’t practice it, and just generally find some other way to go about their business.

The way I see it, being present is manifested both in my relationship to self and my relationship to others.

In my relationship to self, being present means that I’m aware in the moment. I’m tuned in to my emotions. I know that I’m breathing in and out. I have a keen sense of my surroundings. I sense all that’s going on around me and what kind of meaning I’m making of these events: realizing that my experience is not necessarily “reality.” Being present means that I’ve left all previous moments behind...and that I’m not wasting energy anticipating future ones. It’s living in the here and now. It’s making the most of the time I have been given. It’s a paradigm that guides me to take advantage of every single instant of this preciousness called life.

I also believe, however, that the highest level of being present takes the form of being available for someone else. Being present for another may take the form of simply silently sitting. It surely involves total focus and really listening when they speak. It means not interrupting. It’s immediacy: it means seeking deep understanding of the other person’s experience in the moment. It’s being curious about them and setting aside all judgments. It’s eye contact and empathy and softness. And maybe the occasional touch. It means being available for another person to share themselves. Totally. With complete safety. In my presence.

Being present is not “the truth,” though I believe it is “the way.” I believe that being present, for yourself or another, is the greatest gift you can give. Or receive.

Soundtrack Suggestion

Mornings in April 
Sharing our secrets 
We’d walk until the morning was gone. 
We were like children 
Laughing for hours 
The joy you gave me lives on and on. 
’Cause I know you by heart.

(“I Know You By Heart” – Eva Cassidy)

Tweet, Tweet

I found myself, during the last week, once more trying to explain the phenomenon of Twitter. For as many times as I've tried to describe what it means to have a Twitter account, to be engaged in that kind of online activity (and the corresponding concepts of "tweets," "followers," and "following"), I was met yet again with blank stares and a "what's the point?" kind of attitude.

In response to such overt skepticism, or even contempt, I tried to make the point that the entire experience is mostly beyond words: that you really have to try it out for awhile to "get it." My attempts to communicate what "digital intimacy" and "ambient awareness" are all about have been largely unsuccessful. I guess it's a little like trying to explain any relationship - or any new technology. If you haven't been there or tried it, this new something (whatever it is, the totally unfamiliar), and you have no other life experience to compare it to...well, then, the whole thing sounds rather bizarre.

In addition to the words I just listed above, there seem to be other, equally-unfamiliar terms dominating the lexicon in this area. One new one to me was the phrase "social media." This keeps coming up over and over, and there are a quite a number of individuals on Twitter who claim to be social media "experts" or "consultants." Huh?

So, I had to do some research. Wikipedia informs us that social media

• are primarily Internet-based tools for sharing and discussing information among human beings. The term most often refers to activities that integrate technology, social interaction, and the construction of words, pictures, videos and audio. This interaction, and the manner in which information is presented, depends on the varied perspectives and "building" of shared meaning among communities, as people share their stories and experiences.

• can take many different forms, including Internet forums, weblogs, wikis, podcasts, pictures and video. Technologies include: blogs, picture-sharing, vlogs, wall-postings, email, instant messaging, music-sharing, crowdsourcing, and voice over IP, to name a few. Examples of social media applications are Google Groups (reference, social networking), Wikipedia (reference), MySpace (social networking), Facebook (social networking), Youmeo (social network aggregation), Last.fm (personal music), YouTube (social networking and video sharing), Avatars United (social networking), Second Life (virtual reality), Flickr (photo sharing), and Twitter (social networking and microblogging).

I guess what all this means is that the ubiquitous opportunities we have for interaction with other human beings via the internet, and the technologies associated with such contact are, in sum, lumped into the term "social media." It stands to reason that we'd now have developed an entire subset of individuals who specialize in facilitating such contact and are involved in the concomitant technologies.

Given all this, it would seem that I have been heavily involved in social media for years now [namely email, the Google photo-groups I belong to, instant messaging (including text-messaging via phone), this blog, Flickr, Facebook, Match.com, LinkedIn, and most recently, Twitter]. I just didn't know it.

And in terms of my biography, this all makes total sense. When it comes to new technologies and ways of communicating, I remember that, at first, I was pretty mystified, back in the 1980s, with the concept of the "personal computer." Even though I'd been programming on mainframes since the early 70s, I thought: a computer at home? Really?

But then I met the Apple IIe, and more specifically the program called "VisiCalc." From the moment I started playing around with magic of that spreadsheet software, I was pretty much hooked. Then, the true moment of personal-computer conversion came the first time I laid my hands on a Macintosh (sometime within the first year of its existence). As I fooled around with the graphics capabilities of the machine, the WYSIWYG interface, and the ease of use of the mouse, I was enthralled. My reaction was I have to have one of these. The Mac Plus was way beyond my financial means at the time, but I wasn't to be denied. Just one week later (after refinancing my car), I owned a Macintosh. All it took was the exposure and a little familiarity: and that little box with a tiny screen started to change my life. The Mac Plus was likely the real genesis of my metamorphosis into TechnoMonk.

However, in the present day, for years I had resisted the idea of the social networking sites. Weren't MySpace and Facebook primarily for angst-ridden teenagers and college kids struggling to find connection? What did these kinds of internet destinations have to do with me, anyway?

However, as I have described earlier, I finally, this last summer, tried Facebook. And, because of the "status update" feature there, I was led to Twitter. Through Twitter, I have now developed a sense of being part of an online community. I have generated an awareness of this collection of individuals, some of whom I "know" better than others - either because of the frequency of their posts or how they use their allotted 140 characters to communicate their lives. And, since I have developed a number of "followers," they must be getting some kind of a sense of me. As of today, I follow over 90 people and there are over 60 individuals who receive my regular, periodic updates...with a number of them already having commented on my entries, either publicly or privately. Apparently some of them, at least, are paying attention to me and my life. So far, the experience with Twitter has been much more interactive and satisfying that my three years of blogging have been.

I had envisioned this blog would attract a few followers, and it has. A very few. (Who are you, oh person in Oman?) However, only a small percentage of you who check-in here interact with me in any meaningful way (at least through the blog). My expectations, in that regard, have not been met. This website does allow me a place to publish these little essays I feel compelled to produce, though. And, for that reason, I anticipate I'll remain a blogger, even though more and more of my energy will go into the microblogging activity of Twitter.

(Final note: For another person's perspective on the appeal of Twitter, and the decline of the weblog, read the recent online Wired Magazine article by Paul Boutin entitled "Twitter, Flickr, Facebook Make Blogs Look So 2004.")

Update on October 18, 2008:

People just keep talking about, and trying to explain, Twitter.

Here's an article from today's Wall Street Journal: "Twitter Goes Mainstream."

And here is a story about how Twitter helped save a life recently (posted today on a personal blog): "Think Twitter is Useless? Think Again."

Luck and Courage

I read both fiction and nonfiction. I love to escape into stories, made-up or real-life. I’m particularly a fan of the memoir (which really should come as no surprise given that a lot of these “musings” are intensely autobiographical in nature). So, here I am to report that I’ve just finished reading a particularly compelling one (memoir, that is).

I became acquainted with author Alice Sebold when I read her first novel The Lovely Bones. Although the book, a bestseller, was published in 2002, I probably picked it up around 2005 or so. Bones is the tale of a 14-year-old girl who has been raped and murdered – and who narrates the entire story from her vantage point beyond the grave: in heaven.

I remember thinking: this is an interesting approach.

For whatever reason, I found this novel to be totally intriguing: though certainly in a dark way. The book was anything but a “quick-read” for me.

On a trip to our local Borders store, just recently, I discovered that Sebold had written another book prior to Bones. In 1999, she published a memoir entitled Lucky (as in “lucky to be alive”). This work is a first-person account of her rape: a tragic event that happened on the last day of her freshman year at Syracuse University. The story includes a chronicle of her eventual identification (a few months later) of the rapist; the subsequent trial and conviction; and the progress of her life in the aftermath. The narrative also provides such details as: the status of her relationships with family and other men; her issues with heroin addiction; the gradual awakening to, and acceptance of, her post-traumatic stress syndrome; and the practically unbelievable development when one of her college roommates is raped, on Alice’s own bed, a couple of years later.

So, you’re probably asking: why is this is a story I’d be interested in? What could possibly make this book worth my time?

Good questions.

Just let me say that Sebold is an excellent story-teller. Although this is a very difficult topic to discuss, she pulls it off with incredible sensitivity and skill. And even though it’s autobiography, which goes into excruciatingly-gory detail, especially with the rape scene at the beginning of the book, it rather reads like a novel. I was completely drawn into her narrative. Wondering what will happen next…how will she find her way through this devastation…how can she put herself back together?

Naturally, Sebold’s life has had many twists and turns because of this crime. That she found the strength to look in the mirror, step back, and try to explain, to us, what she sees – well, this speaks to me of a person of incredible courage.

I am truly inspired by her ability to communicate through the written word, and her willingness to expose herself to the world in this way.

For me: as I write, I aspire to similar courageousness. I believe that it is through stories about the human condition that we learn more about ourselves. And that the lessons these stories offer, help us to live with our pain.

Keep Those Cards & Letters Coming!

Here is an excerpt from a short missive that came in by email from a reader in Oregon…

There is a lot of humor in your blog. I hope you can see it. Is it not supposed to be funny? …Thanks for sharing all of your hopes and fears with the entire world … You sir, are in a word, a handful . I mean that in the politest and most complimentary way. Your world view is so prickly (ala Mark Twain)…

Yes, yes, yes (!) dear reader…I hope you are able to share in the soap-opera humor that seems to be my life. I know I perhaps come across as deadly serious at times, but I suspect that those of you who know me best can “hear” my voice and know that there is mostly a lightness there…trying to take things as they come, turn them upside down, and then talk about them…in an embarrassingly public way.

Thanks for reading!

Free Speech Continued

I’m a big fan of the First Amendment. So finally, after a lifetime of thinking about it, last year I sent in my money to the ACLU and became a card-carrying member. Actually, it wasn’t long after I wrote a blog entry here entitled “Freedom of Speech” that I decided to sign up.

The reason I mention this now is that, quite recently, the topic of free speech entered my life as it pertains to this website. To wit, I have received the feedback that I might want to re-think my decision to discuss my job-search activities on these pages.

Upon hearing this person’s opinion, I admit to feeling mildly embarrassed…and well as somewhat stunned by the unexpected criticism. My initial reaction was to think “ohmygod, I must be f%*#ing up!” I also began wondering if I was, perhaps, unintentionally sabotaging my search for a new position. I immediately reacted to this individual’s viewpoint by un-publishing several recent posts that mentioned my job hunt and some experiences I had had during my travels.

However, in the past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about my reactivity, and have re-read (several times) the posts I am now hiding from view. And, you know what? I actually think they’re pretty harmless. In these entries, I have talked mostly about myself (which is, after all, what I do here), about the exhausting nature and uncertainty of the job-search process (this is a secret?), and offered up some personal observations of events that have happened while I’ve been on the road.

IMHO, I’ve not harmed any person or organization. And, when I’ve tried to have a little fun by talking about the peculiarity of some things I’ve encountered along the way, I’ve taken care to leave unidentified the person(s) or group(s) involved.

It was quite some time ago now (in “First Do No Harm”) that I addressed the whole area of blogger ethics, examining my own behavior and motivations in publishing this work. At that time I specifically discussed my personal philosophy, including “ …[having] no outright intention of embarrassing, attacking, angering or hurting” anyone. And, really, let me reiterate: I certainly have no agenda to offend, attack or harm anybody here, including myself.

I hope that you, having found your way to this obscure little corner of virtual reality, will remain open-minded enough to allow me this minor self-indulgence (existing wholly apart from my professional existence) called TechnoMonk’s Musings.

Update on June 8, 2007:

After conscientiously re-examining this whole freedom-of-speech issue, I’ve decided to publish again the handful of posts I had hidden in reaction to a reader’s comment. So, if you browse this blog now, you’ll be able to read my rather benign writings on the topic of my job search.